9.29.2014

Productive Weekend

Not really. Not much got done actually. 

On Saturday I went grocery shopping. Quick one cause stupid buses in St. John's cannot run a proper schedule. Times like this I really miss Korea. Always 24-hour corner store in almost every corner wtf, and grocery stores never far from the places I lived. Never had to stress about getting food. And if too lazy to shop for groceries and kimbap not enough, hot food at street food stand or go into restaurant for quick meal. Never cost more than $7 maybe. Where I live now, must take bus to grocery store and closest corner store is maybe ten minutes away from me wtf. Could walk to mall, ten minutes the other way, but mall food so damn expensive and not much choice. 

Sunday I cleaned the washroom while watching Superman is Back. Watched maybe three episodes. Got no life or avoiding responsibilities? Did not realise that show is so long, but still watch it anyways. 

Rest of the weekend I wonder why I'm so pathetic and cannot get important things done in life. Must write everything down or else I get overwhelmed. But waste so much time writing things down cause everything must be so clear. Then get stressed again cause still nothing get done. -__-

Really cannot handle anything right now. If I can only manage laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping, maybe I shouldn't be in school at the moment. Nothing else to do though. Cause I clearly couldn't handle a job with proper hours, and cannot stay in bed forever and a day. *le sigh*

Been stressed about after school cause I don't know if I'd be able to go back to Korea to work as a teacher. Or if I can go anywhere at all. I know I cannot stay in Canada though. I've had enough of this place. So if cannot stay in Canada and cannot get a job abroad, what can I do?

It's nearly five in the morning and I have not slept. 

9.22.2014

cough cough sniffle sniffle

I feel so sick and I missed a whole day of school today. Chances of me going to school tomorrow are slim. This semester is already kicking my ass, and the first month has yet to finish. I'm already behind in my assignments & readings and it's a struggle to wake up in the mornings. Mostly because I haven't even fallen asleep yet by the time the sun comes up. I've also been locked up in my room for almost a week now cause my living situation is no longer comfortable, so I'm on the search for a new place. Just what I needed. -__- 

I made some kimchi soup cause I thought it would make me better. Kimchi cures all right? Still feeling like shit. Been in my room all day sleeping, watching TV and asking the universe to be done with this punishment. 

Right now I'm wondering if I should even stay here. Maybe this shitty living situation is a sign that I need to pack my shit up, drop out of this semester, and return to the hell that is Toronto. I really miss my orange bed sheets. Maybe I needed more than a month off from studying. Maybe I need a whole semester. I have no idea what I would do in Toronto, however it's better to be failing at life in your parent(s)' home than failing at life alone on an island all the while feeling super unsafe. Makes sense?

I don't have the energy to keep typing about nothing. I feel like my body is falling apart and I think it's best I just lay down and continue to watch TV in pain. Good night. I hope you're all doing better than me.

9.08.2014

Impossible

I got through my first week of classes. Wednesday, the first day, was the worst. I went to the counselling centre after my classes were done. I had to do an intake appointment since the person I saw last semester isn't there anymore. At one point the person I was talking to said something along the lines of, 'We can't change what happened in the past. We can only help you deal with it and learn ways to move forward.' I didn't get it. The first thing that came to my mind was, "What do you mean you can't change the past?! How am I supposed to move on with my life if you can't erase my memories?" I know that seems stupid but I honestly don't know how I can move on with the memories I have. This year has been the worst year of my life, up until I returned to Korea in June. I had to drop a class last minute, get the rest of my exams moved, and started taking medication, among other things. This is a clear sign that I cannot deal with the past. 

They then asked me what I wanted to work on in the future and what being better looked like. It was a really confusing thing to understand. First, I said that I don't know what to say in terms of what I want to work on. No. I know what I need to say and talk about, I just can't say it. And they told me that maybe talking about it isn't the way for me to work on things. But it is. I need to talk about it because I can't keep all this shit to myself. It's just too damn hard. And then the being better question. What does being better look like? How the hell am I supposed to know? I've been sick my whole life. I don't know what it's like to be well. Makes more sense to ask someone who's been there. 

Then they person went on about different things I could work with, treatment wise, and that's when I knew that it is all impossible. Everything they was telling me about are all things I've tried before. I did a whole year in college working on EFT, CBT, talking to my inner child, The Secret, writing letters with my non-dominant hand, and the list goes on. Nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better. And I just sat there and thought that the only way for things to go forward is if you just put me on a super high dose of meds until I'm at the point that all I can do is live. Live without emotion. Just turn me into a zombie. I want to be so out of it that I can't remember a thing. 

I'm hoping this week will be better. I've gone the whole weekend laying in bed and barely ate a thing. I also didn't sleep again last night, so I'm off to a bad start. I'm so lost right now.

9.03.2014

First Day Blues

In tears right now. I've been so stressed out these past few days and school hasn't even started yet. I have just received the smallest glimmer of hope though, so I'm breathing again.

Ever since I got back to Newfoundland, I've been staying up all night stressing about school and life, and then going on to sleep away most of the day. I've also managed to eat a steady diet of froot loops with the occasional piece of cornbread or pineapple upside down cake, so I've been sick cause of that and the stress. I started to get better yesterday, but I've been up all night again and my body is starting to punish me for it.

The only thing I did yesterday was clean the wash room, which needed a serious cleaning cause the girl who lived here in the summer didn't have high cleaning standards. Thank goodness she's moved out. I also did some laundry cause I didn't wash everything before I left for the summer. It's crazy the amount of effort it took me to do those two things.

I was just going over my schedule for this semester and I'm really thankful that I finally decided to start a semester with a smaller course load. A full course load hasn't worked out for me since my first semester in uni, but every semester I tell myself I can do it. It always ends up in shit though, and I've finally accepted the fact that a full course load is too much for me. My schedule has also worked out quite nicely. Every other day I finish class at 1pm, so I can go home and nap. Napping is very important. On the alternate days I have to be in at 9am, which really sucks, but it's for a course that probably wont be offered again while I'm still here. It should be a good one too. So just working on my major and minor this semester.

Hoping to get a MUCEP position and I'm a mentor for an international student again this year. I missed being a mentor. Then there's choir once a week and my usual weekly movie at the theatre. Also taking a weekend course, but it's only for three weekends so by the time mid terms roll in I'll be done with the extra work.

I'm already feeling better now that I have typed this out. This is what this blog has always been for and I'm sad that I've strayed from it for so long. I can only imagine all the terrible days I could have avoided if I had just took a few minutes to take things down. It has been a crazy year so far, but I'm hopeful that things will get better. Also hoping my nose will stop running by the time I get to first class.

Have a fantastic first day of classes!!

5.31.2014

31

I didn't know that May has 31 days. 

I didn't get around to going to bed last night until this morning actually. I saw the sun come up before I went to bed. I ended up waking up at a decent time but I have no energy to do anything anymore. When I finally got out of bed it was past 3 in the afternoon. The toilet overflowed wtf. It was just pee! So that made me feel even worse. It took a while for the toilet to finally flush and then I had to clean up. 

After all that, I showered and got ready to leave the house. Was dressed and everything. But I decided to eat before I left so that I'd have some energy to walk wtf. Watched an episode of Doctor Who while I ate, then listened to AKMU's album. Then 6pm approaches and I gave up. Could not leave the house. Couldn't do anything. 

So I've been in bed most of the day listening to music. Mostly AKMU, some pow wow music, and now listening to Solange. 

I've also returned to tumblr after being gone from there for about half a year wtf. The one time I leave for so long is the one time they make no changes to the website. Change is coming within the month I bet. Just to piss me off haha. 

Now my tooth is starting to hurt. So this shitty day just keep on getting better. -__- 

I started playing a new game on my phone last night. It's called Royal Revolt II. Kind of confusing one but I like it. I've missed gaming. Now I must decide if I should watch more Doctor Who or play this game. 

I can't believe it's already 11pm. ㅠ.ㅠ

OMG!! I can't believe it's almost already Bra Free Month!! haha Started this one four years ago in Katimavik. Let them breathe. 

3.14.2014

On Languages

Another Friday night by myself...

Sitting here listening to Louis Jean Cornier and convincing myself that I am finally ready to learn French. Again. I have tried in the past, but I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to learn a language when there's a shit load of pressure to just know it. People often blamed my lack of skill in French on me just not wanting to learn the language, and that was true for school, but I tried in Katimavik. Not successful though. Its kind of hard to speak a language without a decent vocabulary. So telling a beginner to tell you about their day at the dinner table is not going to work. Fuck! Give me time. Korea was no better with this. So much pressure to speak in only Korean. Would be easy if I knew how to say anything. Cannot make a whole damn paragraph in a foreign language without a lot of time and a dictionary by my side. 

My official second language is Japanese. It sucks now, but when I was at my best, I was comfortable with it. Not because I was good, I was never fluent. But I was comfortable with it because I had a patient teacher who didn't push us through the material and pressure us to be able to spit out good sentences right off the bat. Heck, look at all the rules I break when writing in English. When I went on to study Japanese on my own, I had enough confidence in myself to keep picking up new things, and it helped. When I entered university Japanese, I flew through those courses with ease. 

Confidence is key to learning a new language, and it won't come out of barking down someone's throat or expecting too much from them too soon. So this spring I will give French a try again. I'll only be taking one other course so I think I'll be able to manage. And when I return to Toronto for the summer I hope I can sign up for another Korean course. A relaxed one. I know I'll do a decent job. Korean grammar is the easiest part of the language for me, so all the focus will go into building my vocab. Now all I gotta do is suffer through these next few weeks of classes and I'll have a nice three week long break full of watching Doctor Who and The Tudors.

Happy Language Learning!!

Super bored one from back in Korea.


Asano Tadanobu

Some background…

Asano Tadanobu is my second favourite actor of all time, second only to Sir Sidney Poitier. That's a big deal. Asano is in my favourite movie, Café Lumière, and I like almost every movie I've watched with him in it. Check out this post to find out some of the other movies of his that I highly recommend. I can always count on this man to put a smile on my face. He comes off as a big kid. Silly pictures on instagram and sometimes the sweetest person on twitter. I'm sure he's not all sunshine and lollipops. I sometimes get an interesting reaction from Japanese people when his name comes up haha. But hey, no one's perfect. Lies. Tom Hiddleston is totally perfect. Anywho, he's an amazing actor and I hope he continues to do what he does for a very long time. 

x
Sorry for cropping your buddy out.

Moving on…

A few days ago I screen capped some pictures of Asano. He has been posting some really nice pictures of himself lately and I had time on my hands. So I made a collage of some of my more recent favourites and posted it on instagram tagging him in it. The next morning Buddy himself liked the picture!! I was so shocked. Had to check back about ten times. I was so happy. This is Xiaxie, QiuQiu and Audrey responding to my tweets all rolled up into one, times 1000.

Too bad that was the highlight of my day. Check out my Dayre for a look at the collage and to see how the rest of my day went. If nothing else good ever happens in my life again, I will have this to look back on. 
浅野 忠信、ありがとうございました!