What Future?

Everything is so overwhelming. But i sit here and try to figure out my life as though this is the perfect time for that (3am).

I met a friend a few weeks ago who i haven't seen since 2013 when i visited Busan, Korea. I almost never go anywhere, so it was good to talk so someone. Good to get out. My friend asked me what i do and i looked at him blankly. I sleep, watch TV, and ... ok, that's it. So embarrassing that my life is so nothing. 

Last year i was on 15 planes, and now i stay in bed up to 20 hours a day. Then some people say how nice it must be to have nothing to do. ಠ_ಠ Ok, i understand that your work is stressful, but do you really think i like my life? I feel like the most useless person in the world. The amount of energy it takes me to get myself ready and leave the house is too much for me. This is not normal behaviour. This is not living. But you want this life ah? Can take it, but also don't want yours. Cannot handle eight hour days.

My problem is not that i don't want to do anything, it's that i feel like i can't, from lack of energy and not feeling capable of anything. I can't even get up in the morning and feed myself. Sometimes I'd forget to eat all day. It's almost like there's nothing left in me. 

I went to see the doctor last week and i left feeling terrible. First off, i didn't see my doctor cause she's been on mat leave, but i cannot avoid going to the office any longer since i needed a new prescription. Then i had to get blood taken. Again. I should just always prepare for this cause i'd always get blood taken when i see the doctor. And by the end of my appointment i felt like a zombie leaving the office. Had to book another appointment, with my actual doctor who'll be back soon, but i could barely tell the receptionist what i needed. Luckily the other receptionist there knew that i was trying to book an appointment so she spoke for me.

My days still feel empty since then, but i have a good reason to leave the house this weekend, so maybe i'd feel better if only for a bit.


Nahko and Medicine for the People

I have about a dozen posts waiting to be published, but I've been so picky with what I post and can never be satisfied with what I've got. So this is just going to be a quick post of what I've been listening to recently. (Actually wrote this back in January. wtf)

On January 3rd of this year I came across this gem...

I try not to get distracted by this man's beauty, but that's a very difficult one. This song is amazing and as soon as I finished listening I searched the internet to see who this guy is and where he's from. His name is Nahko Bear and he's part of a band that seems to have thirty members. haha No seriously, look at their videos, always different people. But I like it cause it keeps things fresh and everyone has something unique to bring to the group. They're called Medicine for the People, and you should check them out. I've listened to these guys everyday since first seeing this video. They also have their latest album on youtube and it's good, however I much prefer their performance videos and jam sessions. Thankfully there are a lot of them. Going back to 2008 I think, so you'd never get bored with them.

Here's my favourite...

It's not often someone can outshine Nahko it seems, but Hope Medford kills it on the cajón. Teach me your ways. And the woman singing the backup has an awesome voice. 

Feel good music that makes me think. Their songs can quite easily calm me down. They're my new go to when something pisses me off, which is often. North American society will do that to a person. I honestly think there's something here for everyone. Even if not the music you like, their lyrics are something to pay attention to. 

I usually don't like live music, but I'm really upset that there are currently no tour dates for Canada in 2015. This is the one band/group of awesome musicians that I really want to see in concert. Someone help me get them here. 

Nahko, Dustin, & Justin

Check out their website here and their youtube channel here. Also do a general search on youtube, cause there's so much more that's not on their official channel. 

Don't forget to take your medicine. 


But It's Urgent

Cannot be more annoyed than I am right now. In December I emailed all of my former schools in Korea requesting that my transcript be sent to a specific university in Canada. Two of the schools replied right away. One of those two sent it immediately and the other let me know that I'd have to pay a fee to get it, no problem. Last school does not reply, but I didn't panic cause I knew it was close to holiday break and I could afford to wait until January. 

I waited until earlier this month and still no reply, so I sent another message. I get a response saying that they emailed me a pdf version. -__- No you did not. And on top of that, I did not ask for pdf copy!! The other two schools understood my request and contacted me to let me know what's up. Where is your professionalism? So I tell them again where I need it sent and included the address again. No response. Send an email again asking them to let me know when they send it so I can have confirmation that it was sent. No response.

Finally, just over a week until deadline, I get an email telling me that their office does not issue the transcripts and I must contact another office. Also, I must apply for it!! WTF!! Could not have told me this in the first place? If the person I was first talking to didn't know what they were doing, they should have asked as soon as they got that first email back in December. 

So now I have sent an email to this next office requesting my transcript and told them it is urgent. I have to wait until middle of the night for response because of time difference. Here's to hoping that I'm done dealing with people who don't know what they're doing, and hopefully they'd send my transcript on time. 

I may be terrible with replying to texts and fb messages, but I'd always respond to an email. Especially emails that can affect someones' future!!! Ok, now I can calm down and just wait for reply. Worst scenario, I don't get my transcript on time, but hopefully with all my email proof that I've been trying, this other university would be understanding. 

I need a nap.


Be Specific

I wasn't very specific in my last post about how I'm going to try to overcome my issues with reading. Just a lot of talking about the problem. I'll try to be more specific. 

Of the 16 books I want to read this year I want to read: 10 novels, four plays, and two graphic novels. I have put graphic novels and plays in there cause I know they will be easier for me to get through. After I thought about reading 16 books after years of struggling/failing to get through even one, I realised that 16 is a bit of a jump. S.M.A.R.T goals, right? Now this is looking more manageable. 

Since I'm on break from school right now, I always have an empty house during the day. Going to work on getting out of my vampire sleep mode and be up during the days so I can have a quiet place to read, and natural light coming in. The amount of days I go without seeing the sun...

To help me stop with the counting and grouping of words and letters, I'm going to read these books more like how I read textbooks. I don't read out loud, but I do read one word at a time and mouth them out. That really slows me down and maybe it is why I constantly have to stop and count. So I will run my finger under each line I'm reading and find a rhythm I'd more likely be able to keep going on with. If this doesn't work, I'd set up a fund so you guys can help me pay for audio books of every book I want to read. haha Thank you in advance. 

Good news!!

I have only been a member of goodreads for a few days now, but I have already won a book through one of their giveaways!! I'm so excited to receive this book. Hoping that it will be in by the time I finish reading the first HP book. I will write a review on goodreads and here when I finish reading the book. Look out for that.

Ok, so my goal looks more doable, and it's out there for all to see. Now I'd go get some sleep. Have a happy first week back at school!!!


16 Books

When I was younger I would read all the time. Sometimes up to three books at once. How I managed to keep all the different storylines separate is beyond me. But that was my thing. Always reading.

Sometime in junior high my brain started acting weird and I couldn't get through a book any more, at least not on my own. I would always get distracted when I read. At any given moment I would have to stop reading so I could count the words in the sentence. Then I'd count the letters in the sentence, and if they didn't divide evenly I'd have to move the words around so that I would have even sections. I have no idea why I needed to do this. I would also read certain sentences over and over again until I felt that I read it enough times. And the worst is when I would misread a word. This was so frustrating because sometimes my misreading would completely change the meaning of the sentence, which could change what was happening in the story. I would sit there so frustrated because I was convinced that the author was a terrible writer, not realising that the problem was with me. I'd read things over, but I still saw what I saw and not what was written. I would just put the book down and get back to it another day. It wasn't until I returned to a book that I realised my mistake. If anyone out there knows what causes this, please tell me cause it still happens to this day.

In university I discovered that I could get through a story if I was reading along with a recording of someone reading it as well. Can't make the same stupid mistakes and no time for counting. But imagine having to pay for a hard copy and audio copy of every book. Poor university students can't do that. I also discovered that this mostly happens when I read stories or novels. If I'm reading a textbook nerd or a play theatre nerd then I'm ok. Well not entirely. I still misread a lot, but I don't need to do the counting and grouping.

I know this problem doesn't come from a lack of interest in what I'm reading. I have failed to finish reading the first Harry Potter book, a number of times, and I really enjoyed it, as far as I got. My brain is just messed up. So if you were to ask me what my favourite book is, I'd tell you that it's Stargirl. There's nothing wrong with Stargirl, but that's where I stopped. My favourite books are all these pre-teen novels, and now that I want to read again I get scared. Who's really reading a 800+ page book for fun? (A Song Of Ice And Fire)

I have recently signed up for a goodreads.com account. I don't want Stargirl and Bridge to Terabithia, as good as they are, to be the best books I've ever read. Last month I asked my friends on fb what their favourite books are and I've put them all on my to-read list. I'm going to start with Harry Potter cause I already know that the writing is really clear and the story is really interesting. Jumping straight into Watership Down or Shantaram probably wouldn't be wise. It'll be a few years yet before I attempt the GoT books.

So that's what I'm doing with my time. I want to read 16 books this year. 12 seems too little and 24 seems too much. Wish me luck.

What are some of your favourite books?


You Can Keep Your Rock

Over a month ago I was saying goodbye to my friends, professors, and everyone else who has helped me over the years at my uni. "When are you coming back?" "Are you coming back?" I think so. I want to finish school, so I have to right? I want to be back by winter semester, but I make no promises. 

So much can happen in such a short amount of time. Most people I've talked to agrees that I shouldn't waste my time at MUN. I need to do what I want to do. I need to do what I enjoy. I need to stop fighting with a conservative and disorganised institution that clearly has no intentions of moving into the future. It's just not a good fit. We don't get along.

I haven't considered it myself. Not since first year. I was given a choice to stick it out on the rock or return to Toronto. I don't regret the decision I made back then. I thought I could make it work, and by staying there I have had the opportunity to meet some amazing people, on the rock and abroad. 

Aside from the stubborn system I've had to deal with out there, there is a huge problem with support systems. What little is available is inconsistent and mostly for emergencies only. What about the people who aren't really in an emergency but are suffering all the time? And what about the people who are in crisis? (I feel like a crisis is bigger than an emergency. Is it?) For a school who is so determined to increase their student population, and they have been, they are making little to no effort to increase and improve services available to students. This is not ok and it is extremely dangerous. Thankfully I had a mind to get out and breathe.

And so here I am. Earlier this week I went to an information session at York University. I might be a lion again. wtf The recruitment officer who gave the presentation was really cool and stressed that this whole university thing is MY thing. I need to study what I love and I need to do it in my own time. My dad should have been there for that. York has awesome programs, and the only university in Canada that comes close is UBC. I'd love to go there but I need to be realistic about life. So that's the plan. For now. My plans are always changing. I'm pretty sure I was on the road to China only two months ago. -_-

I came back to Toronto to get healthy. To get away from the constant fear that followed me everywhere. To try to put together some kind of support system that is stable. That's really difficult when you don't have everyone around you holding you up and cheering you on. Sometimes I think I just need to have a sit down with the fam and tell them exactly what's been going on this past year. But then I'm like, "Shouldn't you all be supporting me with or without the details of my shitty life?" Isn't that what family is for? Whatever. It's Christmas time, and that seems to mean something to these people, so I'll hold off a little while longer. I'll just sit here and eat my doughnuts. 

*picks up another doughnut* 

2014. The year of the Horse. This was supposed to be my year. Life was supposed to be grand. What happened? How did I end up here? How do I get out?


Dream: Tablo

Last week I had a dream that I had just married Tablo. We were living in Korea in a ten story building. On the ninth floor was a YG Entertainment shop or something. I think they owned the building. The tenth floor, the whole of the tenth floor, was our new apartment. It was a gift from Tablo. It was huge, too big for only three people to be living in. (Haru was living with us.)

When I first entered the apartment, everyone was there. Mithra Jin, DJ Tukutz with his family, Haru, and at one point, Hye-jung made an appearance. We were on good terms, which is obviously the best situation for Haru. The apartment was already decorated. -__- Not to my liking, but it's the thought that counts. 

I don't know exactly when Tablo and I married, but it was still a secret from everybody outside of the YG family. It was quite annoying going into the elevator with fans of YG cause they'd wonder why I didn't get off with them at the ninth floor. Somehow everyone knew that Tablo lived on the tenth floor, but still did not know about our relationship. Get a clue people! 

At some point, maybe a week later, my uncle came to stay with us. There wasn't any adult sized beds in out apartment other than ours. My uncle was cool with sleeping on the floor and I knew he really didn't mind, but there was someone else in the apartment who kept judging me for not giving up my bed. I cannot remember who it was or why she was there, but can you honestly tell me that you know my uncle better than me? wtf
This was all I can remember from the dream. I should make a habit of recording these things as soon as I wake. I do remember waking up and being pissed though. I'm a huge fan of Tablo. He's one of my favourite rappers of ever, but everyone who knows me would know that Mithra Jin is more my style. Cannot resist that facial hair and deep voice wtf.