You Can Keep Your Rock

Over a month ago I was saying goodbye to my friends, professors, and everyone else who has helped me over the years at my uni. "When are you coming back?" "Are you coming back?" I think so. I want to finish school, so I have to right? I want to be back by winter semester, but I make no promises. 

So much can happen in such a short amount of time. Most people I've talked to agrees that I shouldn't waste my time at MUN. I need to do what I want to do. I need to do what I enjoy. I need to stop fighting with a conservative and disorganised institution that clearly has no intentions of moving into the future. It's just not a good fit. We don't get along.

I haven't considered it myself. Not since first year. I was given a choice to stick it out on the rock or return to Toronto. I don't regret the decision I made back then. I thought I could make it work, and by staying there I have had the opportunity to meet some amazing people, on the rock and abroad. 

Aside from the stubborn system I've had to deal with out there, there is a huge problem with support systems. What little is available is inconsistent and mostly for emergencies only. What about the people who aren't really in an emergency but are suffering all the time? And what about the people who are in crisis? (I feel like a crisis is bigger than an emergency. Is it?) For a school who is so determined to increase their student population, and they have been, they are making little to no effort to increase and improve services available to students. This is not ok and it is extremely dangerous. Thankfully I had a mind to get out and breathe.

And so here I am. Earlier this week I went to an information session at York University. I might be a lion again. wtf The recruitment officer who gave the presentation was really cool and stressed that this whole university thing is MY thing. I need to study what I love and I need to do it in my own time. My dad should have been there for that. York has awesome programs, and the only university in Canada that comes close is UBC. I'd love to go there but I need to be realistic about life. So that's the plan. For now. My plans are always changing. I'm pretty sure I was on the road to China only two months ago. -_-

I came back to Toronto to get healthy. To get away from the constant fear that followed me everywhere. To try to put together some kind of support system that is stable. That's really difficult when you don't have everyone around you holding you up and cheering you on. Sometimes I think I just need to have a sit down with the fam and tell them exactly what's been going on this past year. But then I'm like, "Shouldn't you all be supporting me with or without the details of my shitty life?" Isn't that what family is for? Whatever. It's Christmas time, and that seems to mean something to these people, so I'll hold off a little while longer. I'll just sit here and eat my doughnuts. 

*picks up another doughnut* 

2014. The year of the Horse. This was supposed to be my year. Life was supposed to be grand. What happened? How did I end up here? How do I get out?


Dream: Tablo

Last week I had a dream that I had just married Tablo. We were living in Korea in a ten story building. On the ninth floor was a YG Entertainment shop or something. I think they owned the building. The tenth floor, the whole of the tenth floor, was our new apartment. It was a gift from Tablo. It was huge, too big for only three people to be living in. (Haru was living with us.)

When I first entered the apartment, everyone was there. Mithra Jin, DJ Tukutz with his family, Haru, and at one point, Hye-jung made an appearance. We were on good terms, which is obviously the best situation for Haru. The apartment was already decorated. -__- Not to my liking, but it's the thought that counts. 

I don't know exactly when Tablo and I married, but it was still a secret from everybody outside of the YG family. It was quite annoying going into the elevator with fans of YG cause they'd wonder why I didn't get off with them at the ninth floor. Somehow everyone knew that Tablo lived on the tenth floor, but still did not know about our relationship. Get a clue people! 

At some point, maybe a week later, my uncle came to stay with us. There wasn't any adult sized beds in out apartment other than ours. My uncle was cool with sleeping on the floor and I knew he really didn't mind, but there was someone else in the apartment who kept judging me for not giving up my bed. I cannot remember who it was or why she was there, but can you honestly tell me that you know my uncle better than me? wtf
This was all I can remember from the dream. I should make a habit of recording these things as soon as I wake. I do remember waking up and being pissed though. I'm a huge fan of Tablo. He's one of my favourite rappers of ever, but everyone who knows me would know that Mithra Jin is more my style. Cannot resist that facial hair and deep voice wtf. 


I Don't Hate You...

...but I might.

Please don't be offended when I delete you from my friends list on facebook. It's not that I don't like you. It's rare that I'm deleting people because I don't like them. It's probably cause we don't talk anymore, like in ten years or something, and we don't talk because we don't have anything to say to each other. This distance can bite me in the butt later on in life when I become super famous. Since we are no longer "close", I risk having my personal life sold to the media. I think some people would find this easy to do to the people they once knew but still have on facebook. I don't want to be a victim of this, so better safe than sorry, right? 

However, I have deleted people because I don't like them, or they just be fucking up majorly and I don't have time for their bullshit. *HINT* If you're white**, it's probably not a good idea to use the N word. Thought that was a given. Then there was them cousins who literally reported things I posted on fb to their parents as though I was committing a crime or something, and the drama that came with it... ಠ_ಠ Here's to hoping y'all have grown up since. And of course there was those people who were openly stupid. *HINT* Never ever ever make excuses for rapists!!! You need to get the devil cast out of you. 

If you're confused as to why I deleted you, then just assume that it's cause we've fallen out of touch. "I'm deleting you because I don't trust that you won't fuck me over in the future, but I'm sure you're still a great person." HA! Seriously though, I just don't feel comfortable having a whole lot of people knowing my business. If it's not on one of my blogs, then it's not for world consumption. But if you know that you're one, or more, of those special kinds of stupid mentioned above, that's why I've deleted you. And if you are a special kind of stupid, don't say hi to me next time you see my face. 

**Singling out white people casue they're the only one's who've been stupid enough to do this on facebook in MY experience. If you're not black and throwing this word out there, I'll delete you just the same.


Smart People

I've managed to post four times in September!! I haven't blogged this much in a long time. So I guess this means I'm actually back. ^_^
I had the pleasure of listening to Dr. Kiri Miller of Brown University today at MUN. She gave two talks, that I know of. The first one was in one of my classes. It was interactive and I really felt good that I could contribute to the conversation. I actually got what was going on and was able to think critically about the topic. 

The second talk was a bit shocking for me though. This was a full on academic lecture, and I was lost. Why use big words? haha I understood what she was talking about and I think I followed along quite well, but I didn't feel very smart while listening to her. It was like I was at the adult table for Thanksgiving but should've probably stayed at the kids' table. This doesn't take away from my interest in the topic and it didn't make the talk "bad". I just felt that I was a bit out of place. 

After the talk was done, there was time for questions. This was when I got a little worried. Most of the people asking questions were grad students and professors, I think, and they all asked these really awesome questions. I just sat there thinking, "Wow! These people are so smart." And then I thought. "Wow! I'm so stupid." When do people get to this level of being smart? Or sounding smart? They're all faking it, right? And when do I get there? 

This is my fourth year in uni and I know I've learned a great deal of things, however I'm not sure if I'm smart. Yes, I know about China and India's great contributions to the world, I know that western philosophy is a waste of time, and I know the history of the English language. So what? All this information doesn't make me a smart person. I feel like there's this huge gap between my undergrad self and those other grad students. They probably write really good papers, have great reading and comprehension skills, and a really interesting collection of books. And then there's me. My papers are vague, I struggle with my reading and taking in written information, and my favourite book is Stargirl. Am I making any sense here?

I'd love to go to grad school, but I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. There's no instructions. I feel like people are already "there" and ready to go. What am I missing? Maybe my idea of grad school is off and it's not all big words and terrifyingly large papers the size of A Song of Ice and Fire. Or maybe that's exactly what it is. ¯\(°_o)/¯ 

I want to continue studying Buddhism. But not just studying it. I was so fascinated in Korea by all the temples I went to visit and/or stayed in. It was so cool to have been learning about the religion and then get to see it up close in one of the many forms that it has grown into. I want to be there to observe and participate, all the while having in the back of my mind how it all started. I want to hear the stories of the people who practice Buddhism and how it plays a role in their everyday lives. Maybe I should be minoring in sociology or something. Oops. 

The world of academics just seems too small and boring. I don't feel creative in my studies. I don't do anything with what I learn. What good is there in another paper full of big words that most people cannot understand? It's so inaccessible. I want to continue studying, and I want to do something useful with it. Can my thesis be a documentary? 

When I started typing this post, I was thinking about how smart those people were today, and how stupid I felt. Now that I have kind of managed to put my thoughts down, I realise that I'm smart too. I'm just a different kind of smart and there needs to be more ways for people with different abilities to contribute to the academic world. Things probably won't change any time soon, so I'll just go to bed tonight regretting my decision to not stick with performing arts haha. Good night lovely people.

p.s. To all you people sitting there reading my writing and thinking, "Omg! This kid can't write. She is stupid." First of all, only I can say mean things about myself. Secondly, I don't write this bad for my uni papers. Finally, ..... Ok, I only had two points there. Bye


Productive Weekend

Not really. Not much got done actually. 

On Saturday I went grocery shopping. Quick one cause stupid buses in St. John's cannot run a proper schedule. Times like this I really miss Korea. Always 24-hour corner store in almost every corner wtf, and grocery stores never far from the places I lived. Never had to stress about getting food. And if too lazy to shop for groceries and kimbap not enough, hot food at street food stand or go into restaurant for quick meal. Never cost more than $7 maybe. Where I live now, must take bus to grocery store and closest corner store is maybe ten minutes away from me wtf. Could walk to mall, ten minutes the other way, but mall food so damn expensive and not much choice. 

Sunday I cleaned the washroom while watching Superman is Back. Watched maybe three episodes. Got no life or avoiding responsibilities? Did not realise that show is so long, but still watch it anyways. 

Rest of the weekend I wonder why I'm so pathetic and cannot get important things done in life. Must write everything down or else I get overwhelmed. But waste so much time writing things down cause everything must be so clear. Then get stressed again cause still nothing get done. -__-

Really cannot handle anything right now. If I can only manage laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping, maybe I shouldn't be in school at the moment. Nothing else to do though. Cause I clearly couldn't handle a job with proper hours, and cannot stay in bed forever and a day. *le sigh*

Been stressed about after school cause I don't know if I'd be able to go back to Korea to work as a teacher. Or if I can go anywhere at all. I know I cannot stay in Canada though. I've had enough of this place. So if cannot stay in Canada and cannot get a job abroad, what can I do?

It's nearly five in the morning and I have not slept. 


cough cough sniffle sniffle

I feel so sick and I missed a whole day of school today. Chances of me going to school tomorrow are slim. This semester is already kicking my ass, and the first month has yet to finish. I'm already behind in my assignments & readings and it's a struggle to wake up in the mornings. Mostly because I haven't even fallen asleep yet by the time the sun comes up. I've also been locked up in my room for almost a week now cause my living situation is no longer comfortable, so I'm on the search for a new place. Just what I needed. -__- 

I made some kimchi soup cause I thought it would make me better. Kimchi cures all right? Still feeling like shit. Been in my room all day sleeping, watching TV and asking the universe to be done with this punishment. 

Right now I'm wondering if I should even stay here. Maybe this shitty living situation is a sign that I need to pack my shit up, drop out of this semester, and return to the hell that is Toronto. I really miss my orange bed sheets. Maybe I needed more than a month off from studying. Maybe I need a whole semester. I have no idea what I would do in Toronto, however it's better to be failing at life in your parent(s)' home than failing at life alone on an island all the while feeling super unsafe. Makes sense?

I don't have the energy to keep typing about nothing. I feel like my body is falling apart and I think it's best I just lay down and continue to watch TV in pain. Good night. I hope you're all doing better than me.



I got through my first week of classes. Wednesday, the first day, was the worst. I went to the counselling centre after my classes were done. I had to do an intake appointment since the person I saw last semester isn't there anymore. At one point the person I was talking to said something along the lines of, 'We can't change what happened in the past. We can only help you deal with it and learn ways to move forward.' I didn't get it. The first thing that came to my mind was, "What do you mean you can't change the past?! How am I supposed to move on with my life if you can't erase my memories?" I know that seems stupid but I honestly don't know how I can move on with the memories I have. This year has been the worst year of my life, up until I returned to Korea in June. I had to drop a class last minute, get the rest of my exams moved, and started taking medication, among other things. This is a clear sign that I cannot deal with the past. 

They then asked me what I wanted to work on in the future and what being better looked like. It was a really confusing thing to understand. First, I said that I don't know what to say in terms of what I want to work on. No. I know what I need to say and talk about, I just can't say it. And they told me that maybe talking about it isn't the way for me to work on things. But it is. I need to talk about it because I can't keep all this shit to myself. It's just too damn hard. And then the being better question. What does being better look like? How the hell am I supposed to know? I've been sick my whole life. I don't know what it's like to be well. Makes more sense to ask someone who's been there. 

Then they person went on about different things I could work with, treatment wise, and that's when I knew that it is all impossible. Everything they was telling me about are all things I've tried before. I did a whole year in college working on EFT, CBT, talking to my inner child, The Secret, writing letters with my non-dominant hand, and the list goes on. Nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better. And I just sat there and thought that the only way for things to go forward is if you just put me on a super high dose of meds until I'm at the point that all I can do is live. Live without emotion. Just turn me into a zombie. I want to be so out of it that I can't remember a thing. 

I'm hoping this week will be better. I've gone the whole weekend laying in bed and barely ate a thing. I also didn't sleep again last night, so I'm off to a bad start. I'm so lost right now.