2.11.2017

Why Is This Still A Problem?

"Sometimes when I feel like shit I wanna go out and buy some clothes. But then I remember that nothing in the stores fit me, so I keep wearing the same things I've been wearing for the past ten+ years. And I continue to feel like shit."

I made this post on fb not long ago. It's so frustrating that my options for clothing are 1) shop online or 2) lose weight so that i can fit into what they have in the stores. I shouldn't have to change myself so that i can enjoy the same luxuries as people who are smaller than me. That's fucked up. And it's fucked up that i've been complaining about this shit for years and nothing has changed.

I started getting fat around grade one or two, and that sucked, but at that age i didn't have a sense of style. I wore whatever my mom bought. nbd But then as i got a bit older, and fatter, my mom could no longer find clothes for me in the children's sections. I was literally having to get my clothes at the same stores my mom got her clothes at. -__- Like that shit ain't cute on a 12 year old.

By the time i got to high school, my wardrobe consisted of jeans, joggers, and t-shirts. I'm still wearing a lot of the same things that i was wearing in high school. Picking up random pieces along the way. But i don't feel comfortable in my clothes anymore. They're not me.

In 2014 i had to start taking medication for a health problem. It wasn't doing it's job, and since then i've tried a number of other medications hoping that they'd help me get better. But none of it has worked the way i'd hoped. Instead of getting better, i've been putting on weight. Not a huge amount, but enough to make the t-shirts i've been wearing since 2005 fit a little too snug. Enough for me to be at my heaviest. I hate it. I hate that i feel so gross. I hate that i can't fit into my clothes. And i hate that this weight gain isn't entirely in my control. Then there was a car accident late last year that has seriously limited my movement.

Back before the medication and accident, i was always "going to lose weight", but it was never urgent. I knew that i was physically able to workout; i just needed to stop being so damn lazy. But now i don't have that control. I can't workout with Jillian Michaels or Billy Blanks anymore; i can barely stand long enough to do the dishes. And i feel like i'm being punished for this. Punished for being lazy in the past, punished for needing to be on medication now, and punished for being in a car accident.

On top of all of that, i don't feel comfortable in my body. Looking past the fat, cause being fat really isn't the problem here, i hate how curvy i am. My breast have gotten bigger, you know how i feel about that, and my thighs are thicker than i care for. I feel like this body isn't mine and i don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to dress it.

Waiting for me to not always have new reasons to hate myself...

11.01.2016

Dear Kids Who Didn't Get Free Candy Last Night,

I am so sorry that you weren't allowed to dress up last night and run around the neighbourhood with your friends asking people for candy. I am so sorry that your parents don't let you participate in this day of dress-up and fattening-up because they belong to a religion that you may or may not follow when you're older.

One day you'll be free to think for yourself and get all the candy that your heart desires. One day you'll be free to dress up as your favourite superhero or TV character. And to be honest, the parties will be a lot more fun than they are now, cause you'll also be able to drink.

I feel your pain. I'm still mad that I was always stuck in the house, looking out the window, watching all the other kids having a grand old time collecting enough candy to last them until Christmas. Another day that you might not care for when you're older.

Stay strong, my child. You'll have your moment. But until then, remember to tell your parents that candy is on sale today. :)

Evelyn sums up my feelings really good...




7.03.2016

I Saw Someone Today...


December 4th, 2015.

I saw someone today, and he reminded me of you. I was excited, scared, and angry all within a minute. I didn’t know what to do with myself. When he talked, I heard your voice and I wanted him to keep on talking. But then I got scared. What if he was the same as you? Capable of doing the same things you did. It’s been two years and you’re still with me. Part of me never wants you to go. But I know you're bad for me. Maybe if I had him I would have you too. But I’d be safer. Or worse off. I don’t know. I hate you so much, but I want no one else. Please leave me alone. I want to move on.

1.26.2016

Some Things

It's late and i shouldn't be on here, but i just transferred my latest history notes from one notebook to another, and i think i deserve a break. Also my neck is in serious pain, and i'm gonna assume it's cause i've been working so hard. ಥ◡ಥ 

Speaking of working hard, i honestly haven't been doing much of that lately. I get so overwhelmed by all the work i have to do that i don't get any of it done. It's times like these that i wish i could drop out. University is too fast for me sometimes. I should take an even smaller course load, but i don't want to be here for another five years. I want to be done.

I've been having sudden bursts of things that i want to write on here and for my assignments, but i never write them down at the moment. And that's why i'm sitting here past one in the morning struggling to get my work done. 

I have two quizzes to do in about 12 hours and i don't think i'm ready. I want to do well. I need to study more. The stuff i'm learning in Korean class at the moment are not even difficult; i just need to put in the time. I think once Wednesday comes i'd be able to breathe and get my shit together. 

When it comes to this blog, i don't know where i want it to go. Should i keep on writing personal shit that most no one cares about or should i go back to reacting to the world and talking about superficial shit that really doesn't matter?

Youtube is always recommending me videos of the most irrelevant and annoying white people on the internet and i don't know why. Like i'm sitting here watching almost exclusively Black and Korean content, and then they suggest i watch an Adele video. Why? What can she do for me? Have i ever showed an interest in her in the past three years? Get it together Youtube/Google.

I watched Peppermint Candy for my Korean film class and that movie made me so mad. Like why am i sitting here watching this abusive asshole for two hours? I'm so conflicted about how i feel about it though cause it's clear that Buddy was suffering, but at the same time does being upset at life really make you cheat on your wife? -__- Or are you just a shitty person? I suppose i should save my thoughts on the movie for my actual assignment. 

Okay this is getting too long. I need to put what little energy i have left into studying. Good night.

1.17.2016

Buildup

Sitting here listening to Kiah Victoria and avoiding my responsibilities. I've got some emails to return and some general inbox cleaning to do. Two film reviews to write that are due this week, and a lot of reading to catch up on. I miss having semesters. January used to be a fresh start, but now I've got work carrying over from last term. 

I suppose it doesn't help that i've been watching Heroes almost everyday for the past week. This show is so frustrating, but i can't stop watching. The end is in sight. I didn't finish watching it the first time around since it got so bad, but i'm determined to finish it this time. 

I'm an auntie again! My baby girl was born this past Thursday. Full head of hair and fat cheeks. (◕‿◕✿) I don't know if i can handle anymore children at this time. Two is enough. haha Maybe in five years time i'd like another niece or nephew. 

My mom said i can get a bird. I'm not sure how serious she is about this cause she told me last year that i can get a rabbit, and i am still rabbit-less. I don't know much about birds though and not sure if i'd be able to handle the noise. I probably won't get one.

I'm on my second round of antibiotics. Last two weeks of December i had a throat infection, double ear infection, double pink eye, lost voice, runny nose, and sore jaw. Then almost as soon as i was off the antibiotics, i got sick again, but with a different infection. Hoping this will be it for the year.

My Korean drumming teacher figured out that i know Korean. So now I'm feeling a little awkward cause i don't know if there's an expectation for me to ever speak Korean or bow every class. haha

My goals for 2016:

stop being depressed
be a better friend
be a better student
get box braids  
take my vitamins everyday
start blogging consistently again
get shit done when it's due
get a cat
keep all the house plants alive
grow some food
get a summer job
read the books i own before i buy more
start drawing again
resist the urge to cut all my hair off
reply to all emails
finally finish watching a Korean drama
wear makeup at least once a week
actively participate in a school club
watch all my "watch later" videos on youtube 

What are your plans for the year?

My subscription feed on youtube is really slow right now. Do you know of any good channels i should follow?



12.15.2015

Star Wars: A Confession

 x

I haven't finished it yet. 

Judge all you want. I have a good reason to be behind most other fans. 

Several years ago i decided not to watch Episode III because i didn't want the story to end. Six episodes was all there was and i was happy with not having the story complete. (Not all good things must come to an end.)  

I seriously didn't have any intention of watching Episode III any time soon. But now that there are more episodes on the way i feel like i have to finish watching the ones we already have. I am a little worried that these new movies won't live up to my expectations and i'd regret finishing the originals, but at the same time i am super pumped the closer i get to watching the new one. 

I'm currently in the process of re-watching the originals, and i'll finish off with Episode III. Finally. After that, i'll probably stay away from twitter and tumblr as much as possible to avoid spoilers cause i'm not gonna watch Episode VII until Christmas week. 

Are you excited for the new movies or are you gonna pretend that the story isn't really continuing?
 

On a sort of unrelated note, i am super keen to help this movie dethrone the forever terrible Avatar. haha I seriously hate that movie so much and am willing to throw some money at a serious contender for the top spot.

12.12.2015

It's All Wrong



Sorrowing Old Man by Vincent Van Gogh
 
I can't seem to get anything done. I'm so tired of writing about how depressed, unmotivated, uninspired, and useless i am. For years people have been telling me that it gets better, but it doesn't. That's a huge lie. Life is so fucking miserable. Tired and lonely. The bad things keep on adding up and i can't seem to get past them. This world is a terrible place. People are evil. There is no meaning to anything. 

This kind of depression doesn't go away. It never will. I will never be well. I will never be in a constant state of happiness. I cannot run away from this. It follows me everywhere. My brain is messed up and no one can fix it. 

Then i think about the future. People say that i'm young and i've got my whole life ahead of me. I don't want to feel like this for another fifty years. My whole life is ahead of me, but i have nothing to look forward to.

I am moving backwards. Every day is a struggle. The simplest tasks are so difficult. I cannot take care of myself anymore. Everything is late, and everything is wrong. Even this post makes no sense. I feel so alone. There is nowhere for me to go. This is no way to live. Nothing has worked so far, and it has been so long. 

I am trapped in the wrong body, mind, place, and time. Life cannot go on that way. For anyone. I cannot see myself anywhere. Just dreams of a different life. A better life. I don't know what to do or where to go.