10.07.2013

Can I Just Stay In Today?

Back in 2004 when I was in the hospital, people kept on telling me that things will get better. That has been true when it comes to situations. I'm not in Canada right now, so that's cool. But this has not proven to be true when it comes to my mental health. It just gets worse. It's extremely difficult to deal with anything. 

Last week from the 30th to the 6th, I had seven classes to attend. I made it to two. I'm lazy, but I'm not lazy to the point where I just start skipping classes. I just couldn't get out of bed. That's really scary. I couldn't get out of bed. I was awake long before I had to head out, but I couldn't do it. Just laying there, watching the time go by and crying because I couldn't make myself do something so simple. I feel like I can't do anything worth doing. Like I'm the most useless human being right now. I cannot help myself.

And then I start thinking about the future. What happens if things stay the same as they are now or if they get even worse? What happens when I have a job and I can't make it? When I get back to Canada, I can skip all the classes I want. As long as I manage to keep up with the work and show up for tests, it won't matter how many days I miss. But we all know that can't happen with jobs. 

Nothing is far away. Nothing ever lasts for very long. Soon I'll be done school, and I don't know how I'm gonna handle working. I had a hard time doing five hour shifts two to five days a week. This is gonna be interesting...

10.01.2013

Down

Apologies to my followers. I have never gone more than a month without posting to my blog, and I haven't even had an explanation for my absence. It's pretty much been the same deal over on tumblr. I cannot guarantee that I'm back for good. There's been a lot on my mind recently. I'll try to get some of it out.

So far this semester, I've had this awful feeling because I know that it's my last semester in Korea and I can't imagine going back to Canada. "You don't know what you've got till it's gone." True. But what did I really have in Canada? Canada is one of the best countries in the world for a lot of things, but it's still not the best. And coming to Korea, I've realised that in many ways it's better than Canada. So going back is a of a step down. I know Korea is not perfect. OMG!!! There are so many things I wish were different here. But this is not my country and I'm not about to sit here and tell Koreans how to live their lives. Also, most the things that I would like to see change here are not a big enough for me to be like "This place is not liveable." 

I won't get into my list of reasons for putting Korea above Canada. I feel like I've already done enough of that. But there is one thing that I haven't been able to get in either country and it seriously worries me. Support.

I'm not talking financial support. I got plenty of that and I am forever grateful for it. But I'm talking emotional support. My whole life I've felt alone and I have not been able to trust anyone wholly. I've never been able to tell anyone my secrets. I just want to talk. Talk about real things. I feel like there's enough inside of me to fill up a whole other person. I feel so trapped and depressed. 

"You're the only one who can make you happy." Shut the fuck up. How you gonna tell that to someone who's suffering from depression? That is not always possible. It's not always an option. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can't just wake up and say, "Be better. Be happy." And then, boom, it happens. wtf I hate this. And I hate anyone who thinks it's ok to say such a thing to someone.

Travelling is lonely, and I know how to be on my own. But that can't be me all the time. "Forever alone" cannot be an option. Everybody needs somebody. No one can do it all on by them self.  And yet here I am. Alone. But I can't blame travelling for my unhappiness and loneliness because that was already there. In a house full of seven. In a house full of four. In a house full of eleven. It doesn't matter. It's always been there. So I worry about myself. I worry that I'll never be better. There are so many things about myself that are impossible to fix cause mother nature fucked up. But the rest of it never seems to get better. 

I'm so done with this post. I don't even know if it makes any sense. 


8.27.2013

Six Pounds

Woah!! So I just lost 6 pounds in my first week of better living. The plan is to lose 44 pounds in five months which is doable if I lose about 2 pounds each week. I know 44 is a weird number to focus on, but I have a weird obsession with numbers. Story for a different day. I was really nervous about the first weigh in cause I had a weak moment yesterday and went to Burger King with Daniel. I had a burger, no fries or drink. But still I was like, "Why? You have to weigh in tomorrow." I instantly regretted it cause it wan't that great and I know I could make a better burger than that. I thought the burger would have brought me well over my calorie intake for the day but I had room for a banana later. haha You should have seen how excited I was about that. I also drank a lot of water for the rest of the day, and I ate a banana at night. (Bananas are my new best friend.) Then I went for a walk at 2:30 in the morning. I'm doing this thing where if I'm not sleeping by 2 - 2:30 I must go for a walk. Thankfully my place has a big roof so I can walk up there.

I know I shouldn't get too excited about these six pounds cause it's just the first week and this stuff is easier at first, especially if starting at a really big number. But it's still good to see. Gives extra motivation. 

I haven't dropped weight this fast since UltraMind Solution back in 2010. I think I might do that one again for a bit. Maybe not the full six weeks though, cause I'd miss eating Korean food. It really is a good program though. I did it in hopes of improving my mental health. Losing weight was an extra. Also got better skin and sadly found out that my body cannot handle dairy. I still cheat with that last one at times. So if I'm strong enough, I'd do it again. No more chicken and beer. wtf

Ok that's it. Maybe I'll check in about this in a few weeks, but it's not on top of my priority list to keep up blogging about dropping pounds. There's enough of that stuff out there. 

8.25.2013

Boobs & Batman

Two days ago I went into a bit of a rage. Last time that happened and I blogged right away, there was too much negative energy in the post. I'm still angry about these two topics cause neither of them can ever be made right, but I've calmed down. haha Just a bit though. For those of you who don't want to hear me talk about my boobs, feel free to scroll down to the Batman and start from there.


Ok, so if you've been reading my blog for a while or if you know me at all, you know that I had a breast reduction back in 2009. I've made some pretty awesome decisions in my life over the past five or so years, but that was definitely the best and most important. Once in a while I like to go to the breast reduction tag on tumblr, cause some people have questions about it and I'd randomly answer. And I also like to hear people's stories and I get the warm and fuzzies cause it's really an amazing thing to have that surgery for those who need/want it. But this last time I went to the tag I got really upset. I went through two stories of people who went from a very big cup size down to an A. I couldn't keep on this tag. I specifically remember my surgeon telling me that I'd never be a B cup. At the time I was pissed that he'd say that and wasn't going to take out more than half the fats, but I needed the surgery. It was a matter of life and death for me. And no I'm not being dramatic. My chest had more negative emotional side effect than physical. 

So whatever. I go on with the surgery, I still remember waking up after it and looking down at my chest and crying so much. I was so happy. You should have seen how small they were. haha Work of art. By the time I was recovered I'd gone from a 36DDD to 36C. Literally went down half the size. I went from specialty bras that cost more than a good pair of shoes to being able to walk into any store and they'd have my size. (Eventually went bra free, but that's a different story.) I could buy proper size for clothes, sleep however I wanted, and I didn't want to mutilate my body anymore. Success.  

In 2011 I gained some weight when I went to volunteer and the first place it went was my chest. This is when I really went bra free. Already bought a couple of bras and now I'd have to go up a size already? Forget it. I wasn't too worried cause I knew I could lose the weight and they'd go back down right? Wrong. I lost the weight from the trip and I still am bigger than what I was after surgery. Over the past couple of years I've been getting more and more upset about it. They're becoming more uncomfortable. If I sleep one way, they're literally choking me. If I sleep another way, the weight of them pulling down hurts. So sleeping has become a challenge once again. I'm getting depressed about it. So when I went to that tag on tumblr I got so mad because if my doctor had made my chest the size I wanted in the first place I wouldn't have this problem. My chest wouldn't have gotten back to this size. They obviously would have gotten bigger, but not to the point of choking me. So now I have to face another surgery, and I don't know where the money for this one will come from. I don't know if my province would cover a second breast reduction. And if they don't, where does that leave me?

Also this surgery is risky to begin with. I was lucky enough to still have feelings in both my nipples, but my chances of being that lucky again are slim. Not only that, but I'm at a greater risk of even losing my nipples second time around. ಠ_ಠ But it has to be done. I'm pissed at everything right now. I'm mad at my doctor for not taking out more fats. I'm mad at my body for giving me parts that I don't want or need. There was also one time that my nurse practitioner was giving me an exam and when she saw my chest she said "So you've got a lot of scarring there huh?" Oh thank you. Right when I'm beginning to accept my scars you have to go and point that out. wtf

On top of all this, I've gained some really bad eating habits over the past two years because of this. I've gone through periods of literally starving myself. And sometimes if I run out of money, I don't tell my dad cause I'd rather be forced to live off a can of tuna and some carrots. It beats eating a lot and having all these fats stay on me. Cause you know, life I lose a shit tonne of weight, my chest will have to go down. (I know that starving myself can make me gain more weight, but sometimes I'd get really desperate.) wtf Typing this out now makes me realise just how fucked up breasts have made me. I know how to eat properly, but sometimes my need to be an A cup overrides my common sense to do basic things like eating. 

Then some people have the nerve to comment when I tell them I want a second surgery, "But guys like breasts/big breasts." Do I look like the kind of person who gives a fuck about what men want or like? I don't give a fuck about men, let alone what they want. haha Like really think about that one. You don't like my tits, stay the fuck away. (And if you are concerned about what someone else thinks about your body, you should probably re-evaluate your life. Sorry but that's sad.)

Wow. Ok still very upset. Maybe even more that I've put this into words to look at. I've gotten back to hating when I see people with really small chest. Like A or B cup. Cause wow, you're so lucky. Do you even know that? And I know some people might say that people with flat or very little chest would want what I have. (Actually I don't think anyone would want to be choked by their chest at night.) But it's so much simpler to add then to take away when it comes to this situation. It's not as risky or invasive. The scarring is minimal and there is more control when going up a size. I don't have those luxuries. I never will. So this is why I get so mad. Next person to tell me to my face that god makes no mistakes is gonna get knocked out. I don't have time for that bullshit. Like really you trying to tell me that your god purposely gave me a troublesome body? This was his plan, make me suffer my whole life? ಠ_ಠ Oh ok. 

Moving on...


You already know where this is going, but I'd go on and talk about it anyways. I've been a huge Batman fan my whole life. He is my absolute favourite superhero. The only one who comes close is Beast, but that's a different world so whatever. I still remember when I was 4 or 5 and I'd watch Adam West Batman reruns with my brother. It's all still so clear. I can still remember specific scenes from episodes. It was the greatest thing ever. I used to play with dolls and kitchen sets and whatnot. All the “girly” things. But I also had a batman action figure. 

I can't believe I actually have a picture of this thing on my computer. haha 

Batman is my superhero just as much as Nine is my Doctor. So back in 2005 a new Batman movie comes out and I'
m excited, but it was ok. Just ok. And I was super annoyed by the actor playing Batman. (I had no idea who he was at the time. wtf) But whatever. Then over the years I hear so much drama come out about him and I don't know why but I eventually come to hate him. And I get really upset that there'd be another two movies of him playing my superhero. Then the second one comes out and he's even more annoying than in the first and the movie wasn't even that good anyways. It was too long and I was only impressed by the scene when the batmobile gives birth to the batmocycle. wtf That was amazing. And then again when it went of the wall. Like wow. Really good job there. But that was it. That's all I like about The Dark Knight. The last one comes out and I only wanted to watch it cause I wanted Batman to be killed off. (You know an actor ruined your fav when you want the character killed off. So sad really.) Also I really like Tom Hardy and Marion Cotillard, and wow just an amazing cast altogether with the exception of Christian Bale. But that one sucked too, and I felt like it wasn't really finished. But whatever cause it was done. The days of Christian Bale ruining my favourite superhero were done. I'd tell everyone it's ok cause I'd wait for the next Batman movie series to come out in 10 – 15 years and I'll probably like the next one. 

But no. They can't let Batman rest for a while. They have to put him in another movie so damn soon. Like really I think DC is panicking cause they've failed so hard in the past 10 years and can't come to Marvel's level. (I know Nolan's Batman was successful, but take that away and what do you have? Catwoman? Green Lantern? That's what I thought.) So whatever. They don't want to give me time to recover from the last. But not only that. They cast Ben Affleck!!! Really ruining my childhood here. Kind of glad I haven't seen Man of Steel yet, cause now I have no attachment to this series and I might just skip them both. probably not But the option is there.

So yeah, I raged really hard with this one, cause I feel so cheated. Thor, Iron Man, the last two Hulks, Magneto old & young among others have been perfectly cast. But the only one that matters can't get done right. People say give him a chance, but this man has failed so many times. Why give him a chance with something so epic? And he can even do an amazing job, but I still don't like him so it won't matter. Think of someone you really don't like in Hollywood. Then imagine them playing your favourite superhero. Pissed right? Could be the best one to do it, but you'd still hate it cause you're not a fan of that person. That's what it is. Like George Clooney was a terrible Batman, but I don't mind cause I really admire him and he was Dr. Doug Ross. So forever love. He can have a go at it again and I'd be ok. haha Ok maybe a stretch. But I think I made it clear. I don't care if Affleck does a good job or not, I just don't want him to be Batman. 
There's nothing more to say. I've been cheated twice. Hollywood still sucks. Bye





8.21.2013

SGG & School

In my last post I mentioned that I started blogging for Students Gone Global. Here's a bit of my most recent post...

So I've had a rough week and I've been in bed for the better part of four five days. Remember earlier in the year when North Korea was being annoying the and world was freaking out cause apparently World War III was going to break out? Yeah, that was fun. But really, I wasn't worried because when North Korea attacks, they don't warn the South. They just do it. So for future reference, if they're making noise, there’s a good chance nothing's going to happen.

Click here for the rest.

Tumblr was down for a good while today and I honestly felt lost without it. But I did manage to get a post out so I guess it was a good thing. I'm still not feeling 100% and I'm scared to step outside because of the heat. But I have things to do and I'm determined to get them out of the way before school starts.

I'm actually really excited to be starting school again. Not because I'm bored, but because I finally get to experience Korean academic life. Last semester I was in the Korean language program. So no Koreans in my class and a completely different set of rules. It really is a separate system. But now I get to experience the real thing and I'm excited. I'm also excited for a more relaxed schedule. Last semester I had class five days a week, four hours a day. This time around, I'll only be in classes for half the amount of time and I get to sleep in most days. Fridays no class at all!! It really is a beautiful schedule. But I'm also going to take Korean classes outside of KyungHee. I really can't see the point in continuing to live here but giving up the language. That'll be on four days a week and I still have Fridays completely free.

I also gotta figure out where I can fit in a weekend trip to Gwangju. I miss that place so much. It'll be weird going back and not being able to see all the same faces. But It'll be worth it. I also really like long bus rides. So I'm taking advantage of this opportunity. 

And now, a picture of food that I can't eat cause of ice cream. But it looks damn good...

This was a sad day. haha

8.20.2013

Happy 100!!!

But not really…

Over the past week or so, I have put this pressure on myself to have some kind of epic 100th post. As a result of this pressure, I haven't posted at all. Well sort of. I've been posting on my photoblog a bit more, and I started blogging for Students Gone Global

I haven't really done much lately. I most recently put myself in confinement because my uterus is shedding and for some reason I haven't been able to control my body temperature, eat or sleep, I've been rude to people and I've been in a lot of pain. So I've just been laying in bed for the better part of four days. And now my body is feeling even worse from lack of moving.

I'm not going to make this post any special cause my life hasn't been that special, and because I made a big deal of my one year anniversary of blogging. August is almost done and I have so much business to take care of. I've been avoiding a lot of it because of the damn weather. I know I said I want to live in Korea forever, but this heat I really cannot handle. 32+ degrees for the rest of the week. So I've been looking into England. haha But apparently there's been a lot of issues with immigration recently. The "go home" buses being one of the recent ones. I don't know where to go!! haha Somebody help me out here. As soon as I graduate university, I want to be on a plane, but a destination is needed.

For the 50th time in my life, I've decided to get healthy again. Which obviously doesn't include these past four days for obvious reasons. But I've downloaded all the apps and I follow a bunch of good channels on youtube. There are no more fatty snacks in my room. Lots of fruits and veggies and various proteins. Also a lot of bananas. Remember when I had a problems with the bananas in Korea cause they sold them in huge bunches that couldn't be separated? Well a few months back, I think it was Daphne who told me that you can sometimes. You just gotta take it to the person working in the produce section and they'd weigh it for you. But I don't think you can do this if a bunch already has a price tag.

Bless

The only problem I might have with this get healthy thing is with the exercising. My room is incredibly small so there's absolutely no room to do anything indoors. Which is unfortunate because I brought my workout DVDs with me. That's my favourite way to exercise. So I'm kind of just stuck with walking. And maybe when the weather cools down a bit I'll start running. Haven't done that since high school. Need to find a strong tensor band for that one though. I've also been told about a good yoga studio nearby me. Yoga isn't my favourite, but it’s something to look into.

I'd end off with some random pictures from my phone cause I have nothing else to say at the moment. As always, thank you for reading!!

Why I have to come all the way to Korea to see these? Do they even exist in Canada?They're also off my food list for awhile, but they taste very good.

Can someone please tell me what this is?

Starting to get used to taking pictures without glasses.

8.11.2013

Angry Passengers

Met up with some friends today and I had very entertaining train ride home. But first, a little bit of information about Korean subway cars. On the ends of each car, there are six seats reserved for the elderly, disabled and pregnant people. The first time I rode the subway here, my friend let me know that nobody else sits in these seats. The train could be packed, but people still are not going to sit there. This has been true for the most part. Sometimes though, an older person travelling with their grandchild will sit in those seats with the child. And this is what happened today…

An older lady was sitting in these seats with her grandson. No big deal right? Well maybe... The first thing I noticed when I entered the train was that this kid was sprawled out over two seats. Apparently I wasn't the only one to take notice. A few stops later, an older man got up (he was sitting across from them) and started yelling at the woman. I guess my Korean isn't that bad cause I understood a solid 70% of what he was saying. He kept going on that the boy shouldn't be there in the first place, and that he shouldn't be taking up two seats. What if someone came on the train and needed to sit there and blah blah blah. The lady was just as aggressive towards him so it was pretty funny. The man got off at the next stop and the boy sat up. haha I've always been paranoid about seating in those seats just in case, and now I'm glad I never dared to.

But that's not where the story ends. At that same stop an even older man came on the train and ended up sitting beside the boy. Standing in front of the doors was a young couple and all of a sudden this man started yelling at them. At first he said something like "Is this your boyfriend?" I couldn't understand most of what he said after that, but he was super pissed about something. I think he even started to yell at the guy too. Even after they moved away from him, he kept going on. Then I began to understand him. He was upset that the girl's skirt was short. haha So upset that he had to make sure she knew. By this time people on the train are just laughing. Who really gets on a train and starts yelling at people about their clothes?

In Korea, women rarely show shoulders/a lot of arm but their shorts and skirts can be as short as they want. Sometimes I see ass. *shudders* So I could see why some people would be upset. But you don't yell at strangers about their clothes.

I think I'll ride the subway more often.

8.08.2013

From My Phone

I really don't like mobile blogging cause I miss the comfort of my proper keyboard. But I don't know what kind of shit connection, if any, I'll have when I get back to my place. Right now I'm staying at my friend's (지혜 / JiHye) family's house. It's just outside of Seoul and I can get here by same Seoul subway system. Not bad.

I've been having lots of fun. I was really worried that August would be really boring, but that hasn't been the case. I think I can keep myself entertained for the next few weeks. There are plenty of people around who I know. Plus I have a lot do in terms of sending things to Canada and applying for OSAP. Can someone else please do that one for me?

I really enjoyed my homestay. I still can't believe how hospitable Koreans are. Everyone makes me feel so welcome.

The weather has been awful though. I'm pretty sure I want to live in Korea for good, but I really cannot handle this weather. Sweating in places I didn't know I could. And I can't stand having to shower more than once a day. I almost never have a good reason to shower daily back in Canada. But not the case here. Even after shower, I feel like I need to shower again within the hour. This I cannot stand. I want to feel clean for longer than an hour. haha Is this too much to ask?

Been reading about all the baby drama Audrey (fourfeetnine.com) has been going through and I feel so bad for her. I'll never understand why anyone would want to be pregnant, but obviously if you do it, you'd expect/hope things would go more smoothly than what she and her family has been dealing with. I can't imagine the stress she's going through. All I can do is send positive energy her way and hope for the best.

Ok that's all for now. Blogging from mobile is more annoying than I remember.

7.29.2013

The Wolverine

A super short non reviewy review. Can't get into much detail cause it's only been out a few days. Originally posted on my tumblr blog.

Don't judge me.

So I watched The Wolverine today and I don't know what to make of it. It was good but it didn't seem like much of a comic book movie. I'm starting to lose hope in the X-Men series on a whole. I laughed straight through X-Men: First Class, and now I get a movie that looks like any other action movie out there. It was also super awkward at times too. So much fillers made the final cut. Why?

I should have waited to watch it though cause my Japanese skills aren't as good as they used to be and the subtitles were in Korean. haha Ah well. It was good getting to watch another movie with Hiroyuki Sanada in it. I had the biggest smile on my face every time he was on the screen.

Random note: The makeup department, special effects team or whoever's in charge of this stuff could have done more work on Hugh Jackman. His age was showing in this movie, which obviously doesn't work with the character he’s playing, cause you know, he’s not supposed to age that fast. oops

In short, it's an awesome action movie, but I wouldn't consider it a comic book movie. Please take notes from Captain America: The First Avenger.

7.28.2013

Doctor Who: Waiting For 12

x

Several weeks ago everyone was freaking out cause Matt Smith is leaving Doctor Who, and I was really confused cause this was old news to me. Or maybe I can see into the future cause I'm pretty sure it was announced over a month before the most recent internet craziness. (maybe unofficially?) Either way, people were freaking out and making a big deal of it. I, on the other hand, don’t really care. Ok, that’s not true. I'm excited.

Eleven was my introduction to Doctor Who. After years of hearing about the show through commercials, my best friend and tumblr, I finally started to watch the show last November. As soon as I started the show I fell in love. It was different, fun and cheesy. I loved Matt Smith in this role, and I wasn't sure how I'd react to the other Doctors when I started to catch up. But then I got to Matt's second season; The Impossible Astronaut and Day of the Moon. What the heck is this bullshit? It was like I was watching a completely different show. Time to do some catching up with the older Doctors…

I went back to Nine. (This is how my best friend went about it too.) When I started watching Eleven, I fell in love with the show. When I started watching Nine, I fell in love with the Doctor. And despite the fact that I can’t stand Rose, this season was amazing. It was even more fun and cheesy. I was going to switch back and forth between Doctors so that I wouldn’t be too behind, but Nine was too good, I couldn’t stop watching. I kind of regret that though, cause I watched it so fast and my heart broke when Nine regenerated. I cried for days. And every time I see Ecclestan’s face or hear his voice now, I start crying. Why did I start watching this show?

As upset as I was that Nine was gone, I was under the impression that Ten would be a great Doctor. Thanks for getting my hopes up tumblr. I started watching Tennant's first season and was less than impressed. So I switched back and forth between him and Smith. For a while I wanted to punch my computer. Ten was being mean to Mickey again. (Nine had warmed up to him by the end so I don’t know why Ten didn't like him.) I still couldn't stand Rose. And Eleven suddenly got really annoying. Like unwatchably annoying. The story line also started to get way out of hand.

I gave up on Eleven for a while, and focused on finishing up with Ten. After watching his second season, I didn't think I could hate Ten more. I was wrong. Season three happened. haha I really don't get why so many people love him. He's so rude, heartless and evil at times. I can't stand him. Bless Donna for getting me through his last season.

Don't read this next bit if you haven't yet reached the end of Tennant's second season...




When The Master died in Ten's arms and Ten started crying, I literally sat there stone faced. Like boohoo, you're all alone. haha So much hate for him. The only time I didn't hate him was in Planet of the Dead. I actually enjoyed him in that one. But then his regeneration happened. What a waste of my time. That was the most dramatic episode of this show that I have ever watched. It was like a final attempt to make people feel sorry for him or care for him in some way. HA!! Nope. That last episode just reconfirmed my hatred for him. 




Ok, can continue now...

Anywho, so I've finished up with Ten now and I'm back to where I started. I'm skimming through Smith's first season. Back to when I thought he was awesome. But now that I'm watching these episodes again, I keep thinking back to what one of my friends said to me recently. He doesn't seem like a Doctor. It's so true!! After watching Nine and Ten, Eleven doesn't seem like a Doctor at all. It's so strange. But the skimming is almost done, and I must return to Smith’s second season. Suffer through his second season. And hope that his third will be decent.

So I hate Ten and Eleven is becoming unlikable. This is why I am so excited for the next Doctor. I have high hopes for this next one. I'm hoping for a non-white man, but let's be realistic. According to a BBC Spokesperson from about a month back, "casting on Doctor Who is color-blind" and "it is always about the best actors for the roles." Which really means "We're actually racist and don't want a non-white person playing The Doctor, but we can't say that out loud so we'll feed you a recycled lie instead." I can't stand it when people go so hard when trying to defend their super white casting in movies and TV shows. How stupid do you think we are?

Well that pretty much sums up my feelings on New Who and why I'm looking forward to this next regeneration. Time to get caught up and meet this Clara person. Who's your favourite Doctor?

7.23.2013

Laundry

I'm not actually going to talk about laundry. I'm just waiting for it to finish. I'm back in Seoul now. Been busier than I thought I'd be. 

Wednesday July 17th, 2013

Wednesday night I didn't sleep cause I figured drinking was more important than sleeping through my last night in Gwangju. Love confessions, talking to strangers and trying to make people realise that I'm a real person. FYI, you're not a real person if you don't fit societies gender roles. ಠ_ಠ

Thursday July 18th, 2013
The goodbyes were the worst. Saying goodbye in Korea is a very over exaggerated and dragged out process, so it's a lot more painful then it needs to be. But no time for too many tears. Hopped on a bus to Busan next. I was half asleep for a lot of the ride, but when I managed to open my eyes and look out the window I saw some pretty awesome scenery. Korea is an insanely beautiful country. Every day I fall deeper in love.

Busan was awesome and stressful. haha But mostly awesome. I met some of the nicest people I've met to date in this country. Enjoyed noraebang (karaoke) for the first time in my life, and I wasn't even drunk. Ate some pigs' skin and got naked in front of strangers (public bath).

Saturday July 20th, 2013

Next stop Seoul. After a stressful night worrying that we couldn't get tickets back to Seoul, all was finally sorted out. This bus took five hours to get to Seoul!! Whoever said that Korea is a small country is a liar. I messaged a friend I met a few months back, and he invited me to a party at his studio for that night. haha What was I thinking? I was so tired.

Arrived in Seoul. Bit of confusion around the bus terminals for a while, but a couple or super nice people went out of their way to help us out. Parted ways and looking for hostels… Tired + Bad directions + Insanely heavy luggage = Me lost in Seoul. Yes I was crying in the streets. I wouldn't have been lost as long as I was (almost an hour) but I had to keep stopping cause my luggage was too much. Finally found the place. Showered and went on my way to find my friends place. A man helped me at the subway station. He was nice, but I got some creeper vibes. I could have taken him down easily so I wasn't too worried. But I got lost again and my friends had to rescue me. haha I was so useless that day. Almost died in the taxi on my way back, but finally made it to the hostel.

Sunday July 21st, 2013

My ass was in bed until 4pm. Nothing like catching up on sleep. Went to Hongdae to meet a friend I met in Gwangju. Ate dinner, got embarrassed by some foreigners, and went to The Ronin. Love that café, and buddy who runs it is so cute.

Monday July 22nd, 2013

Time to say some more goodbyes. Met some friends who I met in Gwangju for breakfast. I have officially given up on sandwiches in Korea. Chilled in Dongdaemun area, but the river thingy was closed. Went to Myeongdong and walked around a bit. Had some ATM drama. Went to Hoegi area with a friend. Showed her around Kyung Hee. Talked to the man who runs the waffle stand by my school a.k.a one of the many men I've fallen in love with in Korea. Went to Hongdae again. Went to The Ronin again. Walked home from the subway in the rain.

Tuesday July 23rd, 2013

Woke up late. Apparently the UK has banned porn. I don't get why. Protecting the children is a shit reason. I discovered porn at 9 and I'm doing just fine. So really, what's your reason? Still waiting on my laundry. Got a new roommate. My face is feeling pretty bad after using that ginseng mask last night. What a shame cause I like ginseng. Feeling super stressed about all the pictures I've taken in Korea. What am I really going to do with all of this?

7.16.2013

Cherry Blossoms at Kyung Hee University

April 18, 2013

My summer program is almost done and I'm sitting here trying to catch you all up from things I did last semester. haha Most recent posts haven't been to positive, but I have something to cheer you up a bit. If you like flowers that is. I don't like flowers, but I enjoyed going out to take pictures around my campus.


If you don't already know, I'm going to Kyung Hee University for the year. Kyung Hee has one of the most beautiful campuses in Korea. Don't take my word for it. Just ask anyone of the hundreds of people who showed up to the campus during cherry blossom season. 

This video was posted by my school on youtube.

Weekdays and weekends, KHU was full of people. I was so shocked that people would actually go to a university in their spare time with their families. 

Administration building


Some areas didn't look too good cause the rest of the trees are still bare.


Looks a lot better close up. 




I don't even know where I am anymore.


Boys school field and the campus housing behind it.

Ok, so that's not even close to all the pictures I took. But I'll put a bunch of the other ones on my picture blog and a few on my tumblr. It's weird to do just picture posts on this one and put in awkward and unnecessary captions. Check it out!!

7.08.2013

Never Again

Today I was more scared than I have ever been in my whole time in Korea. More scared than when North Korea threatened to attack. Ok, I wasn't actually scared when they were doing that, but you get the idea.

I had to do a group presentation in class on the Korean Wave (한류). haha Now that I see how it's spelled in Hangul, it makes so much more sense. Moving on, I was really ready for this presentation. I met with my group last night and we were all ready. Some, including myself, were nervous, but we knew what we had to do. We knew our sections, and we were ready to go.

Throughout the morning, I kept telling people how nervous I am. Get it all out there right? Then less pressure and maybe less expectation?

Just moments before the presentation, I was joking with my friend Kenya about the fact that I was in the theatre program in high school. Why was I stressing about this? This was nothing.

Even as I sat there minutes before my turn, I looked at the electrical socket thinking, "Winter, why are you freaking out? You know you're going to do fine. You always do fine." Well almost always. In my education class last year, I had a full-on panic attack right before my group had to go up.

So my turn comes up and I walk up knowing that it’s going to work out. *시작 I read the little bit that I had prepared at the beginning and then flipped back to the previous page. As I look at the next thing I'm supposed to read, I realise that it doesn't make sense. It looked foreign to me and I stumbled over my words, but I got it out. Then I see this on the next line…

"-quote-"

Ok no problem. So I look at the quote on the top of the page. It's the wrong one. Then I flip the page back to where I started. It's the wrong quote there too. Oh shit. I'm supposed to have three quotes on here, not two. And I just happened to be missing the first one I needed. *Queue the panicking.

I keep looking at my paper, the room is quiet and my damn quote isn't magically appearing. *Queue the shaking and watery eyes.

By this point my teacher said something to me. I can't remember what, and that's when I realised that I couldn't go back. I was lost, scared and embarrassed. Is this the shame that we'd talked about in class last week? I think this is when my teacher asked if I was ok. She came up to me and touched my shoulder. *Here comes the water works.

In front of my whole class. Just breaking down into tears like someone just died or something. wtf It was the most awkward thing. My back is turned to the class, my teacher is trying to comfort me and I'm trying to figure out how I can disappear. It was pretty clear that I wouldn't be able to calm down at that moment, so my teacher told me to take a seat.

I felt so guilty. I was worried for my group members. We were all nervous, but I actually cracked under pressure. I was worried that it might happen to someone else in the group. I didn't want to be the cause of that.

I was one of the most vocal people during the first half of my class today. My teacher would ask a question and I'd have an answer right away. No problem. But as soon as I have to present something that I've prepared, in front of everyone, I'm lost. Where'd all that theatre training go? Singing, dancing and acting in front of hundreds of people. I only freaked out once in four years of that. I actually thought that I should drop out of school. There's no way to recover from this right? Can you imagine being my head? It's awful.



I have calmed down now. After I left class, I went to get lunch box and snacks. (I appreciate the invitations for lunch. I just couldn't bring myself to be around anyone.) I said I wasn't leaving dorm until I have class tomorrow. I'll be sitting in the back. I watched an episode of Doctor Who, and actually enjoyed Ten for the first time, Planet of the Dead. And then I went to sleep. Which brings us to this post. Hope your day was better than mine. Just about a week left in this beautiful city then I'm back to Seoul.

And to my group members... 미안합니다. I'm so sorry.

7.03.2013

On Facebook

The more people you meet the more complicated life gets. And the more complicated facebook gets. I'm not a fan of fb, but I keep it to keep in touch with people who I know it will be hard to contact otherwise. That's the main thing for me. Family I don't need to have on my list cause I'll see them eventually right? Although I still do have family on there. Just an example. But this is not the same use of fb that other people have. Some are so quick to add you. Some people want to use it as a way to keep track of everyone they've ever met in their life. After one day of meeting someone they rush to add to their list. So quick to let a stranger know about your personal life? Why? Like this one I don't understand. 

So what now? Should I accept, or lie and say I don't have fb? When I accept these requests from people I barely know, they don't really know what they're getting themselves into. I am very opinionated. And while I am in Korea, I've been quick to bite my tongue in person until I really know you. All the possible controversial stuff is saved for online. haha I do have some decency ok. But you meet me once and add me, then all of a sudden I'm putting things online that maybe you'd rather not see or hear and then are angry with me. Like really, you have no idea how much I have been biting my tongue recently. It's not fun this one.

If I lie and then possibly get closer to you in future and having you as a fb friend seems logical, sorry, just watched Star Trek again, then what do I say? Kind of awkward isn't it? "Oh sorry I didn't add you earlier. There was a chance that I'd hate you and not want you as a friend online." haha Ok extreme one. I don't hate anyone I have as fb friend. And I don't see it coming to that. But also, someone try to add you and you don't accept but you gotta see them in class the next day. haha Max awkward.

I hate this idea that I have to tiptoe around my own fb account. Shutting up is not an option. If I can't speak my mind on fb then who's fb is it? If you don't know someone well enough to get their jokes or sarcasm, maybe hold off on pushing the request button. If you don't know how many siblings someone has or if they have any pets, just wait a bit. Facebook isn't a place where you should be getting to know people. That shit should be done in person.

I have made three friend requests in just over a week and one of them maybe a little premature, so I gotta keep this in mind too. Practise what you preach right? It really is the worst when all of a sudden you get something really shocking and/or offensive show up on your timeline and you wonder, "Who the hell would dare post such a thing!?!" haha It most likely will be the one you just added without actually knowing them.

So delete me if you must. Even if you've had me on fb for a long time. If what I say constantly offends or bothers you, delete me. You will feel a lot better without me on your list. Deleting people from fb is liberating. I'd rather you delete me and feel better than keep me on and constantly cursing me. haha Facebook is not meant to be a place you dread going to. 

Don't know how to end this one. I feel maybe this post will be taken wrong way by some. All I can do is try right? 

Here's a picture I took at Suncheon Bay Garden Expo last Wednesday...




...more to come

6.30.2013

I've Moved...

and I have no internet.

Sitting outside the CU on campus stealing wifi. I've been living in Gwangju for just over a week now, and I have been without internet on my computer the whole time. Didn't think this would be so painful. 

So much has happened since I last posted. I have said many goodbyes and shed many tears. I also sold my soul to the devil joined instagram. (@yvwinter) And why is it that as soon as I sign up for the damn thing they decide on a stupid video upgrade? I can't win with these fools. 

Anywho. I love Gwangju so far. It feels a lot different from Seoul yet very fimiliar. Because of the program I'm doing I have been doing so many cultural activities and we're constantly on the move. I learned how to make kimchi yesterday, I've been in a cable car and I went to a garden expo which thankfully didn't have too many flowers. The universe is on my side. I've also managed to take roughly 500 pictures on my phone and camera. So expect to see a lot of pictures on this and my photo blog as soon as I get internet on my computer. I can't wait to post about all these things.

There are a lot of Americans on this trip and I was super worried because I met some of the worst Americans in Seoul and basically lost hope that I'd find some decent ones. But for the most part, the Americans here are best kind. They're not talking about their love for guns (yes, that happened in Seoul) or showing off to anyone who will give them a second. So I'm very thankful for getting a good group here. There's also a lot of Australians on the trip and wow. These guys are fun. I want to go to Australia now. 

Ok, blogging on a phone is no fun. Hoping to be back soon with a proper post. Follow me on twitter and instagram @yvwinter and I'd say to follow me on tumblr but my queue's run out. Nothing happening over there. ♥


6.18.2013

인사동

Exams are over and I finally have time to get some proper posts out before I begin classes again next week.


April 14, 2013

Finally I got to meet up with one of my friends who I met in Canada…


Meet JiEun (지은). She did her exchange last semester at MUN. We didn't even meet until after exams, but we hit it off right away. We met again in Toronto during the winter break. So a few several weekends ago we got to meet again!! So cool that we've now met three times in three different cities.

We had plans long before this to go to Insadong together, but something came up about three weeks in a row. So I was so excited when this actually happened. I took the subway, like a big kid, to meet her at Anguk station and the first thing we did was get some lunch.


So good… \^.^/
Chicken and beef


Now for some shopping. I started buying some stuff to bring back to Canada, so I obviously can't post here. haha You all have to wait so long for these. :P

We went into one shop that sells traditional clothing. So comfortable, but super expensive. 대학생이에요. 돈이없어요. ㅠㅠ haha whatevs. One of the aunties kept going on and on to JiEun about how pretty I am. Whaaa!!! Why all the aunties and uncles in Korea love me? Maybe one of them can adopt me so I can stay forever. ^^

Then we head to this part of Insadong that has a lot of shops. I can't remember the name.


From this picture the levels look flat, but it actually spirals up. Yay no stairs!!

First stop in here was a tea shop. There was free sampling of ginseng tea (인삼차). I really liked it, which I later found out is strange. Everyone says it's too bitter, but the bitterness is temporary. I think it's kind of sweet.


Then we walked our way up and popped into a few shops. Next we took some pictures in Hanbok. It was funny when we walked in cause buddy running the place says hi to us in Korean and then asks us if we speak Korean. haha I find out in following weeks that when it's just me with one other Korean, people will think my friend is a foreigner too. wtf He was super cool though. He speaks Korean, Japanese and English. wtf Marry me. While we were waiting for the booth to get free all of a sudden buddy comes up to me to dress me. ಥ◡ಥ ok sure!!! Get so close and take so much care of me. haha Felt a little awkward when he ties the front for me. I think this is what brides feel. I felt so special and then he put the headband on me. Ah, so much care. And making conversation with me the whole time to. Talking about Canada I think. Everyone loves Canada. lol ok enough gushing. 

haha Ok these style of pictures I super love. I was happy I decided to put on a face this day, but the computer makes you look really good too.

After we went to another part on the top level of this place. 

Couple of giraffes chillin

There's a whole walkway and trees covered with love notes.
 

Just around the corner is a huge mortar and pestle. You won't believe how long it took for me to find out what this thing's called. ಠ_ಠ

I feel just as awkward as I look

So much love. I will return here with 아저씨 and put one up.

My new friends

You see this everywhere

Little buddies at the base of a garden

We had this snack with red bean paste. It was good up until I hit a walnut. -__- I'm going to die here. I have eaten nut products or something with nuts in it about four or five already. 

Difficult to see cause it's an electronic sign, but this place you can get coffee and beer. I love this country.

View from café 
Mountains, palace and city life all in one picture

I had plum tea. Didn't know this existed. It was so sweet. When I go back I'd probably get this one again and completely ignore the extensive menu they have.

Even on the sign people leave their little messages

And on the fake tree inside

Another view from the café 

Made another friend

This was such a good day. Thank you so much JiEun for spending the day with me!! I had so much fun. 

6.17.2013

Poor Me

I have been sick for over a week now. On the 9th I was waiting for Daniel outside of the 711 to go for dinner and out of no where I get a sneeze attack. It only got worse form there. I missed two days of school. Which is fantastic cause you know, I'm failing second level miserably. Then I slowly started to get better. Sort of. My runny nose turned into a cough that I couldn't shake. I couldn't find any Buckley's but I got random cough syrup. It seemed to work. By the end of the week, I was almost as good as new. Still had a bit of a cough, but I was managing. Then I wake up this morning with a sore throat, runny nose and the cough had returned full force. Did I mention that today was my first day of exams? 

I figure I'm sick cause of all the stress I'm under. Failing class, huge lack of support from my family when it comes to my depression, saying my goodbyes and kind of stressing out about my summer program. 

On the 6th I was hoping to see a friend that would be leaving on the weekend but things didn't work out so I never got to say goodbye. And then on the same night John told me that he'd be going to Australia next month. For a year. The tears came by the bucket loads. I have to say goodbye to him this week cause I head out to Gwangju on Friday. Sorry John, but the tears haven't dried up yet. Prepare yourself. haha

I also have to sort of say goodbye to my classmates. Only one of them is actually going back home, but I won't have class with any of the rest next semester so I won't get to see them as often. Daphne's going home too. The worst part? I have no time to rest. I have closing ceremony on Friday, then sign out of dorm, hop on a train (still haven't bought my ticket), get settled into new dorm, and then wake up on Saturday ready to do temple stay and something else I can't remember. Sunday will be full out stuff to do as well and then I start classes on Monday. ಠ_ಠ Dying. 

I've also been thinking a lot about the future too. Trying to figure out a way to get back to Korea. Also want to be out of Canada as much as possible, cause I truly believe there is nothing for me to do there. I have no motivation. There's plenty for people to do I'm sure, but I'm over it. I have lived in four different provinces to date. I fell in love with two of them, but I can't see myself spending the rest of my life in either of those places. I don't want a comfortable life. I want adventure. Maybe I'd give one more province a try down the road. Please remember that as much as I bad mouth Canada, I'm pretty damn lucky to have been born there. This much I know. That being said, I won't settle. There's more to this world and I want to see it all. 

The last time I talked to some people in my family, I realised that maybe it's best I stay out of the country. I feel like I don't have much over there. So why stress myself out by living somewhere I hate, don't feel safe, can't afford and where the people who should be supporting you aren't? This last one shouldn't surprise me anymore. I also only have about three good friends back in Canada. I love them dearly, I just can't be by their sides for the rest of our lives. We all have our own things to do and unless I'm seeing them everyday, I might as well go and see what the world has to offer. 

So that's the plan. Go back and finish school and as soon as I'm done, get my ass on a plane out of Canada. I've got a list of places I'd like to go, I just need to figure where I want to go first. Of course I want to come back to Korea, but my window for coming back here is a lot bigger than some other countries on my list. Like Ireland. Serious question: How's Ireland for black people? I'm 100% cool with being a super visible minority Korea. The only time I'm not a minority is at family dinners. But what's it like in Ireland? haha Please please please let me know. Leave a comment or send me an email, winter2789@yahoo.ca
Be super honest.

So now I'll lay here for a bit. Gather some strength though listening to some soundtrack scores and taking the occasional sip of ginseng tea. I have no desire to eat anything which is killing me. I am so hungry, my head is throbbing and it still hurts to swallow even water. 

I'll leave you with this....



I didn't like it at first but over the pas few days it's been on repeat.


p.s. 
Don't forget it's Bra Free Month.