8.25.2013

Boobs & Batman

Two days ago I went into a bit of a rage. Last time that happened and I blogged right away, there was too much negative energy in the post. I'm still angry about these two topics cause neither of them can ever be made right, but I've calmed down. haha Just a bit though. For those of you who don't want to hear me talk about my boobs, feel free to scroll down to the Batman and start from there.


Ok, so if you've been reading my blog for a while or if you know me at all, you know that I had a breast reduction back in 2009. I've made some pretty awesome decisions in my life over the past five or so years, but that was definitely the best and most important. Once in a while I like to go to the breast reduction tag on tumblr, cause some people have questions about it and I'd randomly answer. And I also like to hear people's stories and I get the warm and fuzzies cause it's really an amazing thing to have that surgery for those who need/want it. But this last time I went to the tag I got really upset. I went through two stories of people who went from a very big cup size down to an A. I couldn't keep on this tag. I specifically remember my surgeon telling me that I'd never be a B cup. At the time I was pissed that he'd say that and wasn't going to take out more than half the fats, but I needed the surgery. It was a matter of life and death for me. And no I'm not being dramatic. My chest had more negative emotional side effect than physical. 

So whatever. I go on with the surgery, I still remember waking up after it and looking down at my chest and crying so much. I was so happy. You should have seen how small they were. haha Work of art. By the time I was recovered I'd gone from a 36DDD to 36C. Literally went down half the size. I went from specialty bras that cost more than a good pair of shoes to being able to walk into any store and they'd have my size. (Eventually went bra free, but that's a different story.) I could buy proper size for clothes, sleep however I wanted, and I didn't want to mutilate my body anymore. Success.  

In 2011 I gained some weight when I went to volunteer and the first place it went was my chest. This is when I really went bra free. Already bought a couple of bras and now I'd have to go up a size already? Forget it. I wasn't too worried cause I knew I could lose the weight and they'd go back down right? Wrong. I lost the weight from the trip and I still am bigger than what I was after surgery. Over the past couple of years I've been getting more and more upset about it. They're becoming more uncomfortable. If I sleep one way, they're literally choking me. If I sleep another way, the weight of them pulling down hurts. So sleeping has become a challenge once again. I'm getting depressed about it. So when I went to that tag on tumblr I got so mad because if my doctor had made my chest the size I wanted in the first place I wouldn't have this problem. My chest wouldn't have gotten back to this size. They obviously would have gotten bigger, but not to the point of choking me. So now I have to face another surgery, and I don't know where the money for this one will come from. I don't know if my province would cover a second breast reduction. And if they don't, where does that leave me?

Also this surgery is risky to begin with. I was lucky enough to still have feelings in both my nipples, but my chances of being that lucky again are slim. Not only that, but I'm at a greater risk of even losing my nipples second time around. ಠ_ಠ But it has to be done. I'm pissed at everything right now. I'm mad at my doctor for not taking out more fats. I'm mad at my body for giving me parts that I don't want or need. There was also one time that my nurse practitioner was giving me an exam and when she saw my chest she said "So you've got a lot of scarring there huh?" Oh thank you. Right when I'm beginning to accept my scars you have to go and point that out. wtf

On top of all this, I've gained some really bad eating habits over the past two years because of this. I've gone through periods of literally starving myself. And sometimes if I run out of money, I don't tell my dad cause I'd rather be forced to live off a can of tuna and some carrots. It beats eating a lot and having all these fats stay on me. Cause you know, life I lose a shit tonne of weight, my chest will have to go down. (I know that starving myself can make me gain more weight, but sometimes I'd get really desperate.) wtf Typing this out now makes me realise just how fucked up breasts have made me. I know how to eat properly, but sometimes my need to be an A cup overrides my common sense to do basic things like eating. 

Then some people have the nerve to comment when I tell them I want a second surgery, "But guys like breasts/big breasts." Do I look like the kind of person who gives a fuck about what men want or like? I don't give a fuck about men, let alone what they want. haha Like really think about that one. You don't like my tits, stay the fuck away. (And if you are concerned about what someone else thinks about your body, you should probably re-evaluate your life. Sorry but that's sad.)

Wow. Ok still very upset. Maybe even more that I've put this into words to look at. I've gotten back to hating when I see people with really small chest. Like A or B cup. Cause wow, you're so lucky. Do you even know that? And I know some people might say that people with flat or very little chest would want what I have. (Actually I don't think anyone would want to be choked by their chest at night.) But it's so much simpler to add then to take away when it comes to this situation. It's not as risky or invasive. The scarring is minimal and there is more control when going up a size. I don't have those luxuries. I never will. So this is why I get so mad. Next person to tell me to my face that god makes no mistakes is gonna get knocked out. I don't have time for that bullshit. Like really you trying to tell me that your god purposely gave me a troublesome body? This was his plan, make me suffer my whole life? ಠ_ಠ Oh ok. 

Moving on...


You already know where this is going, but I'd go on and talk about it anyways. I've been a huge Batman fan my whole life. He is my absolute favourite superhero. The only one who comes close is Beast, but that's a different world so whatever. I still remember when I was 4 or 5 and I'd watch Adam West Batman reruns with my brother. It's all still so clear. I can still remember specific scenes from episodes. It was the greatest thing ever. I used to play with dolls and kitchen sets and whatnot. All the “girly” things. But I also had a batman action figure. 

I can't believe I actually have a picture of this thing on my computer. haha 

Batman is my superhero just as much as Nine is my Doctor. So back in 2005 a new Batman movie comes out and I'
m excited, but it was ok. Just ok. And I was super annoyed by the actor playing Batman. (I had no idea who he was at the time. wtf) But whatever. Then over the years I hear so much drama come out about him and I don't know why but I eventually come to hate him. And I get really upset that there'd be another two movies of him playing my superhero. Then the second one comes out and he's even more annoying than in the first and the movie wasn't even that good anyways. It was too long and I was only impressed by the scene when the batmobile gives birth to the batmocycle. wtf That was amazing. And then again when it went of the wall. Like wow. Really good job there. But that was it. That's all I like about The Dark Knight. The last one comes out and I only wanted to watch it cause I wanted Batman to be killed off. (You know an actor ruined your fav when you want the character killed off. So sad really.) Also I really like Tom Hardy and Marion Cotillard, and wow just an amazing cast altogether with the exception of Christian Bale. But that one sucked too, and I felt like it wasn't really finished. But whatever cause it was done. The days of Christian Bale ruining my favourite superhero were done. I'd tell everyone it's ok cause I'd wait for the next Batman movie series to come out in 10 – 15 years and I'll probably like the next one. 

But no. They can't let Batman rest for a while. They have to put him in another movie so damn soon. Like really I think DC is panicking cause they've failed so hard in the past 10 years and can't come to Marvel's level. (I know Nolan's Batman was successful, but take that away and what do you have? Catwoman? Green Lantern? That's what I thought.) So whatever. They don't want to give me time to recover from the last. But not only that. They cast Ben Affleck!!! Really ruining my childhood here. Kind of glad I haven't seen Man of Steel yet, cause now I have no attachment to this series and I might just skip them both. probably not But the option is there.

So yeah, I raged really hard with this one, cause I feel so cheated. Thor, Iron Man, the last two Hulks, Magneto old & young among others have been perfectly cast. But the only one that matters can't get done right. People say give him a chance, but this man has failed so many times. Why give him a chance with something so epic? And he can even do an amazing job, but I still don't like him so it won't matter. Think of someone you really don't like in Hollywood. Then imagine them playing your favourite superhero. Pissed right? Could be the best one to do it, but you'd still hate it cause you're not a fan of that person. That's what it is. Like George Clooney was a terrible Batman, but I don't mind cause I really admire him and he was Dr. Doug Ross. So forever love. He can have a go at it again and I'd be ok. haha Ok maybe a stretch. But I think I made it clear. I don't care if Affleck does a good job or not, I just don't want him to be Batman. 
There's nothing more to say. I've been cheated twice. Hollywood still sucks. Bye





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