9.29.2014

Productive Weekend

Not really. Not much got done actually. 

On Saturday I went grocery shopping. Quick one cause stupid buses in St. John's cannot run a proper schedule. Times like this I really miss Korea. Always 24-hour corner store in almost every corner wtf, and grocery stores never far from the places I lived. Never had to stress about getting food. And if too lazy to shop for groceries and kimbap not enough, hot food at street food stand or go into restaurant for quick meal. Never cost more than $7 maybe. Where I live now, must take bus to grocery store and closest corner store is maybe ten minutes away from me wtf. Could walk to mall, ten minutes the other way, but mall food so damn expensive and not much choice. 

Sunday I cleaned the washroom while watching Superman is Back. Watched maybe three episodes. Got no life or avoiding responsibilities? Did not realise that show is so long, but still watch it anyways. 

Rest of the weekend I wonder why I'm so pathetic and cannot get important things done in life. Must write everything down or else I get overwhelmed. But waste so much time writing things down cause everything must be so clear. Then get stressed again cause still nothing get done. -__-

Really cannot handle anything right now. If I can only manage laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping, maybe I shouldn't be in school at the moment. Nothing else to do though. Cause I clearly couldn't handle a job with proper hours, and cannot stay in bed forever and a day. *le sigh*

Been stressed about after school cause I don't know if I'd be able to go back to Korea to work as a teacher. Or if I can go anywhere at all. I know I cannot stay in Canada though. I've had enough of this place. So if cannot stay in Canada and cannot get a job abroad, what can I do?

It's nearly five in the morning and I have not slept. 

9.22.2014

cough cough sniffle sniffle

I feel so sick and I missed a whole day of school today. Chances of me going to school tomorrow are slim. This semester is already kicking my ass, and the first month has yet to finish. I'm already behind in my assignments & readings and it's a struggle to wake up in the mornings. Mostly because I haven't even fallen asleep yet by the time the sun comes up. I've also been locked up in my room for almost a week now cause my living situation is no longer comfortable, so I'm on the search for a new place. Just what I needed. -__- 

I made some kimchi soup cause I thought it would make me better. Kimchi cures all right? Still feeling like shit. Been in my room all day sleeping, watching TV and asking the universe to be done with this punishment. 

Right now I'm wondering if I should even stay here. Maybe this shitty living situation is a sign that I need to pack my shit up, drop out of this semester, and return to the hell that is Toronto. I really miss my orange bed sheets. Maybe I needed more than a month off from studying. Maybe I need a whole semester. I have no idea what I would do in Toronto, however it's better to be failing at life in your parent(s)' home than failing at life alone on an island all the while feeling super unsafe. Makes sense?

I don't have the energy to keep typing about nothing. I feel like my body is falling apart and I think it's best I just lay down and continue to watch TV in pain. Good night. I hope you're all doing better than me.

9.08.2014

Impossible

I got through my first week of classes. Wednesday, the first day, was the worst. I went to the counselling centre after my classes were done. I had to do an intake appointment since the person I saw last semester isn't there anymore. At one point the person I was talking to said something along the lines of, 'We can't change what happened in the past. We can only help you deal with it and learn ways to move forward.' I didn't get it. The first thing that came to my mind was, "What do you mean you can't change the past?! How am I supposed to move on with my life if you can't erase my memories?" I know that seems stupid but I honestly don't know how I can move on with the memories I have. This year has been the worst year of my life, up until I returned to Korea in June. I had to drop a class last minute, get the rest of my exams moved, and started taking medication, among other things. This is a clear sign that I cannot deal with the past. 

They then asked me what I wanted to work on in the future and what being better looked like. It was a really confusing thing to understand. First, I said that I don't know what to say in terms of what I want to work on. No. I know what I need to say and talk about, I just can't say it. And they told me that maybe talking about it isn't the way for me to work on things. But it is. I need to talk about it because I can't keep all this shit to myself. It's just too damn hard. And then the being better question. What does being better look like? How the hell am I supposed to know? I've been sick my whole life. I don't know what it's like to be well. Makes more sense to ask someone who's been there. 

Then they person went on about different things I could work with, treatment wise, and that's when I knew that it is all impossible. Everything they was telling me about are all things I've tried before. I did a whole year in college working on EFT, CBT, talking to my inner child, The Secret, writing letters with my non-dominant hand, and the list goes on. Nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better. And I just sat there and thought that the only way for things to go forward is if you just put me on a super high dose of meds until I'm at the point that all I can do is live. Live without emotion. Just turn me into a zombie. I want to be so out of it that I can't remember a thing. 

I'm hoping this week will be better. I've gone the whole weekend laying in bed and barely ate a thing. I also didn't sleep again last night, so I'm off to a bad start. I'm so lost right now.

9.03.2014

First Day Blues

In tears right now. I've been so stressed out these past few days and school hasn't even started yet. I have just received the smallest glimmer of hope though, so I'm breathing again.

Ever since I got back to Newfoundland, I've been staying up all night stressing about school and life, and then going on to sleep away most of the day. I've also managed to eat a steady diet of froot loops with the occasional piece of cornbread or pineapple upside down cake, so I've been sick cause of that and the stress. I started to get better yesterday, but I've been up all night again and my body is starting to punish me for it.

The only thing I did yesterday was clean the wash room, which needed a serious cleaning cause the girl who lived here in the summer didn't have high cleaning standards. Thank goodness she's moved out. I also did some laundry cause I didn't wash everything before I left for the summer. It's crazy the amount of effort it took me to do those two things.

I was just going over my schedule for this semester and I'm really thankful that I finally decided to start a semester with a smaller course load. A full course load hasn't worked out for me since my first semester in uni, but every semester I tell myself I can do it. It always ends up in shit though, and I've finally accepted the fact that a full course load is too much for me. My schedule has also worked out quite nicely. Every other day I finish class at 1pm, so I can go home and nap. Napping is very important. On the alternate days I have to be in at 9am, which really sucks, but it's for a course that probably wont be offered again while I'm still here. It should be a good one too. So just working on my major and minor this semester.

Hoping to get a MUCEP position and I'm a mentor for an international student again this year. I missed being a mentor. Then there's choir once a week and my usual weekly movie at the theatre. Also taking a weekend course, but it's only for three weekends so by the time mid terms roll in I'll be done with the extra work.

I'm already feeling better now that I have typed this out. This is what this blog has always been for and I'm sad that I've strayed from it for so long. I can only imagine all the terrible days I could have avoided if I had just took a few minutes to take things down. It has been a crazy year so far, but I'm hopeful that things will get better. Also hoping my nose will stop running by the time I get to first class.

Have a fantastic first day of classes!!