10.04.2014

I Don't Hate You...

...but I might.
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Please don't be offended when I delete you from my friends list on facebook. It's not that I don't like you. It's rare that I'm deleting people because I don't like them. It's probably cause we don't talk anymore, like in ten years or something, and we don't talk because we don't have anything to say to each other. This distance can bite me in the butt later on in life when I become super famous. Since we are no longer "close", I risk having my personal life sold to the media. I think some people would find this easy to do to the people they once knew but still have on facebook. I don't want to be a victim of this, so better safe than sorry, right? 

However, I have deleted people because I don't like them, or they just be fucking up majorly and I don't have time for their bullshit. *HINT* If you're white**, it's probably not a good idea to use the N word. Thought that was a given. Then there was them cousins who literally reported things I posted on fb to their parents as though I was committing a crime or something, and the drama that came with it... ಠ_ಠ Here's to hoping y'all have grown up since. And of course there was those people who were openly stupid. *HINT* Never ever ever make excuses for rapists!!! You need to get the devil cast out of you. 

If you're confused as to why I deleted you, then just assume that it's cause we've fallen out of touch. "I'm deleting you because I don't trust that you won't fuck me over in the future, but I'm sure you're still a great person." HA! Seriously though, I just don't feel comfortable having a whole lot of people knowing my business. If it's not on one of my blogs, then it's not for world consumption. But if you know that you're one, or more, of those special kinds of stupid mentioned above, that's why I've deleted you. And if you are a special kind of stupid, don't say hi to me next time you see my face. 


**Singling out white people casue they're the only one's who've been stupid enough to do this on facebook in MY experience. If you're not black and throwing this word out there, I'll delete you just the same.

10.01.2014

Smart People

I've managed to post four times in September!! I haven't blogged this much in a long time. So I guess this means I'm actually back. ^_^
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I had the pleasure of listening to Dr. Kiri Miller of Brown University today at MUN. She gave two talks, that I know of. The first one was in one of my classes. It was interactive and I really felt good that I could contribute to the conversation. I actually got what was going on and was able to think critically about the topic. 

The second talk was a bit shocking for me though. This was a full on academic lecture, and I was lost. Why use big words? haha I understood what she was talking about and I think I followed along quite well, but I didn't feel very smart while listening to her. It was like I was at the adult table for Thanksgiving but should've probably stayed at the kids' table. This doesn't take away from my interest in the topic and it didn't make the talk "bad". I just felt that I was a bit out of place. 

After the talk was done, there was time for questions. This was when I got a little worried. Most of the people asking questions were grad students and professors, I think, and they all asked these really awesome questions. I just sat there thinking, "Wow! These people are so smart." And then I thought. "Wow! I'm so stupid." When do people get to this level of being smart? Or sounding smart? They're all faking it, right? And when do I get there? 

This is my fourth year in uni and I know I've learned a great deal of things, however I'm not sure if I'm smart. Yes, I know about China and India's great contributions to the world, I know that western philosophy is a waste of time, and I know the history of the English language. So what? All this information doesn't make me a smart person. I feel like there's this huge gap between my undergrad self and those other grad students. They probably write really good papers, have great reading and comprehension skills, and a really interesting collection of books. And then there's me. My papers are vague, I struggle with my reading and taking in written information, and my favourite book is Stargirl. Am I making any sense here?

I'd love to go to grad school, but I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. There's no instructions. I feel like people are already "there" and ready to go. What am I missing? Maybe my idea of grad school is off and it's not all big words and terrifyingly large papers the size of A Song of Ice and Fire. Or maybe that's exactly what it is. ¯\(°_o)/¯ 

I want to continue studying Buddhism. But not just studying it. I was so fascinated in Korea by all the temples I went to visit and/or stayed in. It was so cool to have been learning about the religion and then get to see it up close in one of the many forms that it has grown into. I want to be there to observe and participate, all the while having in the back of my mind how it all started. I want to hear the stories of the people who practice Buddhism and how it plays a role in their everyday lives. Maybe I should be minoring in sociology or something. Oops. 

The world of academics just seems too small and boring. I don't feel creative in my studies. I don't do anything with what I learn. What good is there in another paper full of big words that most people cannot understand? It's so inaccessible. I want to continue studying, and I want to do something useful with it. Can my thesis be a documentary? 

When I started typing this post, I was thinking about how smart those people were today, and how stupid I felt. Now that I have kind of managed to put my thoughts down, I realise that I'm smart too. I'm just a different kind of smart and there needs to be more ways for people with different abilities to contribute to the academic world. Things probably won't change any time soon, so I'll just go to bed tonight regretting my decision to not stick with performing arts haha. Good night lovely people.


p.s. To all you people sitting there reading my writing and thinking, "Omg! This kid can't write. She is stupid." First of all, only I can say mean things about myself. Secondly, I don't write this bad for my uni papers. Finally, ..... Ok, I only had two points there. Bye