3.18.2015

What Future?

Everything is so overwhelming. But i sit here and try to figure out my life as though this is the perfect time for that (3am).

I met a friend a few weeks ago who i haven't seen since 2013 when i visited Busan, Korea. I almost never go anywhere, so it was good to talk so someone. Good to get out. My friend asked me what i do and i looked at him blankly. I sleep, watch TV, and ... ok, that's it. So embarrassing that my life is so nothing. 

Last year i was on 15 planes, and now i stay in bed up to 20 hours a day. Then some people say how nice it must be to have nothing to do. ಠ_ಠ Ok, i understand that your work is stressful, but do you really think i like my life? I feel like the most useless person in the world. The amount of energy it takes me to get myself ready and leave the house is too much for me. This is not normal behaviour. This is not living. But you want this life ah? Can take it, but also don't want yours. Cannot handle eight hour days.

My problem is not that i don't want to do anything, it's that i feel like i can't, from lack of energy and not feeling capable of anything. I can't even get up in the morning and feed myself. Sometimes I'd forget to eat all day. It's almost like there's nothing left in me. 

I went to see the doctor last week and i left feeling terrible. First off, i didn't see my doctor cause she's been on mat leave, but i cannot avoid going to the office any longer since i needed a new prescription. Then i had to get blood taken. Again. I should just always prepare for this cause i'd always get blood taken when i see the doctor. And by the end of my appointment i felt like a zombie leaving the office. Had to book another appointment, with my actual doctor who'll be back soon, but i could barely tell the receptionist what i needed. Luckily the other receptionist there knew that i was trying to book an appointment so she spoke for me.

My days still feel empty since then, but i have a good reason to leave the house this weekend, so maybe i'd feel better if only for a bit.