12.15.2015

Star Wars: A Confession

 x

I haven't finished it yet. 

Judge all you want. I have a good reason to be behind most other fans. 

Several years ago i decided not to watch Episode III because i didn't want the story to end. Six episodes was all there was and i was happy with not having the story complete. (Not all good things must come to an end.)  

I seriously didn't have any intention of watching Episode III any time soon. But now that there are more episodes on the way i feel like i have to finish watching the ones we already have. I am a little worried that these new movies won't live up to my expectations and i'd regret finishing the originals, but at the same time i am super pumped the closer i get to watching the new one. 

I'm currently in the process of re-watching the originals, and i'll finish off with Episode III. Finally. After that, i'll probably stay away from twitter and tumblr as much as possible to avoid spoilers cause i'm not gonna watch Episode VII until Christmas week. 

Are you excited for the new movies or are you gonna pretend that the story isn't really continuing?
 

On a sort of unrelated note, i am super keen to help this movie dethrone the forever terrible Avatar. haha I seriously hate that movie so much and am willing to throw some money at a serious contender for the top spot.

12.12.2015

It's All Wrong



Sorrowing Old Man by Vincent Van Gogh
 
I can't seem to get anything done. I'm so tired of writing about how depressed, unmotivated, uninspired, and useless i am. For years people have been telling me that it gets better, but it doesn't. That's a huge lie. Life is so fucking miserable. Tired and lonely. The bad things keep on adding up and i can't seem to get past them. This world is a terrible place. People are evil. There is no meaning to anything. 

This kind of depression doesn't go away. It never will. I will never be well. I will never be in a constant state of happiness. I cannot run away from this. It follows me everywhere. My brain is messed up and no one can fix it. 

Then i think about the future. People say that i'm young and i've got my whole life ahead of me. I don't want to feel like this for another fifty years. My whole life is ahead of me, but i have nothing to look forward to.

I am moving backwards. Every day is a struggle. The simplest tasks are so difficult. I cannot take care of myself anymore. Everything is late, and everything is wrong. Even this post makes no sense. I feel so alone. There is nowhere for me to go. This is no way to live. Nothing has worked so far, and it has been so long. 

I am trapped in the wrong body, mind, place, and time. Life cannot go on that way. For anyone. I cannot see myself anywhere. Just dreams of a different life. A better life. I don't know what to do or where to go.