12.12.2015

It's All Wrong



Sorrowing Old Man by Vincent Van Gogh
 
I can't seem to get anything done. I'm so tired of writing about how depressed, unmotivated, uninspired, and useless i am. For years people have been telling me that it gets better, but it doesn't. That's a huge lie. Life is so fucking miserable. Tired and lonely. The bad things keep on adding up and i can't seem to get past them. This world is a terrible place. People are evil. There is no meaning to anything. 

This kind of depression doesn't go away. It never will. I will never be well. I will never be in a constant state of happiness. I cannot run away from this. It follows me everywhere. My brain is messed up and no one can fix it. 

Then i think about the future. People say that i'm young and i've got my whole life ahead of me. I don't want to feel like this for another fifty years. My whole life is ahead of me, but i have nothing to look forward to.

I am moving backwards. Every day is a struggle. The simplest tasks are so difficult. I cannot take care of myself anymore. Everything is late, and everything is wrong. Even this post makes no sense. I feel so alone. There is nowhere for me to go. This is no way to live. Nothing has worked so far, and it has been so long. 

I am trapped in the wrong body, mind, place, and time. Life cannot go on that way. For anyone. I cannot see myself anywhere. Just dreams of a different life. A better life. I don't know what to do or where to go.
 

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